Teaching the art of escaping

If there were to be a black bear about, it probably would be now – early spring before there’s much to eat in the fields and woods, and any sniffing from a hungry critter would lead to the garbage can or compost heap.

The last time we had a bear in the backyard was directly after we spread a rich mixture of fish mulch on the gardens. For several nights thereafter the bear came on a scavenger hunt, dragging off bird feeders, garbage containers and all the contents spilled and strewn around the place.

So, it wouldn’t come as a complete surprise to spot a bear, although it is not something I’d welcome while walking alone on the golf course or along the narrow roads of our coastal town. Certainly, it would be to my disadvantage to come between a female bear and her cubs; nor would I want to stumble upon a bear defending his fresh kill.

What should I do if encountering a bear? Since there is no guaranteed minimum safe distance from a bear, the rule is: the farther, the better. And, I should make my presence known by “talking loudly, clapping, singing or occasionally calling out.” As in screaming?

That advice is contained in a small book titled “The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook,” which some smart-alecky member of the family gave me so I would know how to escape from quicksand, wrestle an alligator, jump from a moving car or land an airplane. “Just in case, mother, the worst actually happens,” the inscription reads.

You’ll hear no jesting from me. I’ll assure you it does not pay to surprise a bear, and the little book – yellow like crime scene tape – warns that “whatever you do, be heard.” I doubt that would be a problem.

“Remember, bears can run much faster than humans,” say authors Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht. These two chaps, while outlining dozens of other dire situations, warn against running from an attacking bear. Rather, we are urged to lie still. “Black bears can climb trees quickly and easily and will come after you. The odds are that the bear will leave you alone if you stay put,” the book says.

Not that I have any intention of scaling a spruce tree but I’m not altogether reassured by the comment “the odds are” the bears will leave me alone. “If you are lying still and the bear attacks, strike back with anything you can. Go for the bear’s eyes or its snout.”

With that, we’ll just mosey on over to another page before going on a walk in the woods or down the lane to the shore. Yikes, now the Survival Handbook explains how to escape from a mountain lion: “Try to make yourself appear bigger by opening your coat wide,” the book says. “The mountain lion is less likely to attack a larger animal.”

Be sure, the book says, that you show the lion you are not defenseless. “Do not crouch down. Hold your ground, wave your hands, and shout. Do not run.”

No problem here. Can’t run. Just thinking about it, can’t move.

Can’t turn the page for the chapter on escaping a swarm of killer bees. All I can do is wave my hands and shout.