Money, sex, children and the remote control may be the top argument points in your household. But not in mine. At least not on cake-baking days.

When the oven is set to preheat and the beaters are spinning away in the batter, one question is persistently, and I might add annoyingly, posed by the only person guileless enough to make such an inquiry.

“Can we have icing this time?” the on-site cake eater wants to know.

The years have taught me to choose my battles. That he likes icing on cakes and I don’t isn’t a reason for an exchange of small-arms fire, especially when one of us is faster with a spatula than the other. (Clue to opponent: Spatulas are in the first drawer on the right.)

Ultimately, we’re a nonviolent home. So sometimes I simply say yes to his icing request. Picture a 1950s housewife, apron neatly tied, hair calmly curled. That’s not me. But I can muster up that type of smile to say: Yes to the chocolate cake. Yes to the yellow cake. Yes to the carrot cake.

But angel food cake? Sorry, dude. When it comes to real desire, I’m a 21st century woman. And when you ask for icing on a naturally moist, airy, cushiony cake, you’re messing with the devil – and I’m not talking devil’s food cake either.

Usually, we have to go through a history lesson to address the recurring amnesia. Remember when we asked an expert chef and she said: “Ice an angel food cake? Never!” Remember the cookbook that approved of serving it with berries not icing? Most important, remember the conniption fit I had last time you asked the same question for the 14 millionth time? I would think you might have memorized the answer by now.

But relationships are kind of like angel food cakes. You beat them too much and they don’t work out. You’ve got to keep the ingredients fresh, keep the work materials clean, let the thing cool off.

Once I tried a glaze. He loved it. I boycotted it.

Honestly, how much of yourself are you really expected to give up for love? I draw the line at icing.

But why should I be the icing police? A few weeks ago, I decided to put the question to an impartial mediator. Mediator is a word we relationship people don’t like to use. It can be the first step to demise and other “d” words. But in our case, I chose an objective party wisely. I chose an entire village. That’s 600 impartial mediators.

Early on a Saturday morning, I delivered two homemade angel food cakes to my local variety store, where neighbors and tourists go for fried eggs, lobster rolls and the occasional baked good with coffee. I displayed both cakes on the counter. One was iced with a fluffy frosting cascading down the sides like a surreal Alpine range. The other was un-iced. And perfectly moist, if you get my drift. Side by side the cakes sat, like two spoiled kids sent to separate rooms.

As we all know, sometimes a cake is just a cake, however. And that day, mine were the cakes of the walk. By midafternoon, only one slouch of a piece was left behind on the stand. Any guesses?

When I asked which had been more popular – plain or iced – the very nice woman behind the counter uttered one glorious word: “Plain.”

The whole town decided that plain is better than iced?

Well, sort of. The same very nice woman suggested I try a chocolate glaze next time. She said my icing was too sweet, too overwhelming, too – could it be? – suspiciously treacly.

Look. I’m sure you can tell by now that I’m not the competitive type. Who knows? Maybe I’ll try that chocolate glaze idea, heretical as it sounds. In the meantime, I have three very special words for my beloved: Honey, I won.

About angel food cake

Store-bought angel food cake was always a treat in our large family when I was growing up. It seemed exotic compared to the heavier cakes we usually ate, and when I began baking, I wrote it off as too complicated to prepare at home. It’s not. In recent years, I have tested many recipes. My favorite, below, is one I’ve adapted from a fail-safe cookbook. No one really knows the origin of the light, airy cake so appropriately called angel food. Some say it came to St. Louis in the hands of escaped slaves who brought it with them from the South. Others credit the Pennsylvania Dutch. Whatever its provenance, however, the cake has gained some contemporary ground among those on low-fat diets. It has no oil and no cholesterol. A recipe for heavenly icing is included here. But angel food cake goes well with a citrus glaze or with fruit. For the really enlightened – so to speak – the cake is delicious without any embellishments.

– Alicia Anstead

Basic Angel Food Cake

Adapted from “The New Joy of Cooking”

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Sift together three times and set aside:

1 cup cake flour

3/4 cup sugar

1/2 teaspoon salt

In a large bowl, beat on medium speed for 1 minute:

1 1/2-2 cups egg whites (about a dozen)

1 tablespoon water

1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice

1 tablespoon cream of tartar

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 teaspoon of almond extract (optional)

Increase speed to medium and beat until contents increases in size by about four or five times and is the consistency of soft foam composed of tiny bubbles, about 3 minutes. The foam should hold a soft shape when beater is lifted.

Gradually beat 3/4 cup of sugar (in addition to the amount above) into the egg mixture, taking 2-3 minutes. Eggs should now form soft peaks that tip over slightly when the beater is lifted.

Using a rubber spatula, gently fold flour-and-sugar mixture into egg-and-sugar mixture about an 1/8 of a cup at a time. When last addition is made, check to make sure no traces of flour are left at the bottom of the bowl.

Pour batter into 9- or 10-inch, ungreased tube pan. Tilt to level top. Bake for 35-40 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. Let cool upside down for at least 90 minutes. To unmold, slide a thin knife along pan sides to detach cake. Do the same for the tube. If pan has removable bottom, slide cake out and use the knife to detach bottom. Otherwise, turn cake pan upside down and tap bottom to loosen cake from pan.

Fluffy White Icing

2 large egg whites

1/4 cup light corn syrup

1/2 cup granulated sugar

2 tablespoons water

1 teaspoon vanilla, almond or orange extract

Pinch of salt

Combine sugar, corn syrup and water in 1-quart saucepan. Cover and heat to a rolling boil over medium heat. Uncover and cook, without stirring, to 242 degrees on a candy thermometer or until a small amount of mixture dropped into very cold water forms a ball that flattens when removed from water. Cooking time can take between 4 to 8 minutes.

Meanwhile using an electric mixer at high speed, beat egg whites in a medium bowl just until stiff peaks form. Reduce speed to medium and while beating constantly, very slowly pour hot syrup in a steady, thin stream into the egg whites. Add the vanilla and continue beating at high speed for about 10 minutes until stiff peaks form. Frost cake while icing is still warm.