What do a hula hoop, midseason clearance sales and a pair of Nine West pumps have in common?

My stupid back.

Actually, I’m the stupid one. But my back had to pay the price.

Rewind to two weeks ago, when my best friend got married. There were lots of kids at the reception, and with them, lots of toys. The day after the wedding, I decided to try my hand – or hips, as the case may be – at hula hoop. It had been years.

It wasn’t until the next day, when I couldn’t move, that I remembered why it had been years. I threw out my back in a major way. It hurt, but I was fine until I started shopping.

See, it’s hard to try things on when you can only bend an inch at the waist. And it’s hard not to try things on during midseason clearance, when stores everywhere are practically giving things away. As I cruised the aisles of my favorite haunts, I felt like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, only to have Lucy snatch it away at the last second. So cheap, yet so far away…

At Target, I grabbed a pair of cropped pants and hoped for the best – they were only $5.74, no big loss if they didn’t fit. There were tank tops on the clearance rack at Target for $2.50 and blazers under $10. Prices so good it hurts. Literally.

I journeyed to the mall, where I decided to test the waters. Filene’s – or is it Macy’s? -was loaded with those little red clearance signs that speak to me in a language I can understand. I combed the racks, but it wasn’t until I hit the shoe section that things really heated up. See, I’ve been looking for what I like to call “grown-up shoes” for a while now. I have zero in the way of professional-looking footwear for summer, and sometimes, flip-flops just don’t cut it.

When I saw a pair of Nine West peep-toe slingbacks with a decidedly high heel on the clearance rack, it was love. Except I couldn’t put them on. After a few awkward attempts, I decided they’d fit and laid down the plastic.

Next stop: Gap, which was a bargain bonanza. I had already sampled freely from the store’s sale rack a few weeks back, when tanks and sleeveless notch-collar Ts were all $6.99. I grabbed a linen tunic for $12.99. But the prices were even better on the return trip.

Ditto for New York & Co., where the cardigan that seemed like such a steal two weeks ago dropped to $9.99. Big straw bags, sassy sandals and the always-fabulous jewelry were among the cut-rate highlights. Instead of highlights, I thought I had entered the twilight zone when I walked into Bath & Body Works – in the final days of the most ridiculous sale I’ve seen in years. Everything I saw was $5, so I stocked up, of course.

At Old Navy, I got a little sidetracked, as I tend to do. I was in a lot of pain, but would I be in even more pain if I missed a deal on the 99 cent rack? I wasn’t about to chance it. Embellished tanks, cute skirts and clearance sandals caught my eye, but I stuck to the basics and stocked up, yet again, on the two-for-$12 ribbed tanks. I can’t get enough of them. Oh, and I got a paper lantern, too, for 99 cents. Like I needed it.

What I needed was a rest, so I skipped Kohl’s because I knew I’d be in there all day. Clearance at Kohl’s is like no other. Instead, I headed over to Union Street for a doctor’s appointment. But I was running a little early, so I decided to pop into Marshalls. Good call. There, I picked up a Max Studio shell I’ve had my eyes on since March – for a bargain $11, nearly half off. I also discovered a pair of green seersucker pants by Tommy Hilfiger that I could barely resist – but since I couldn’t try them on, I skipped them. Instead, I stuck to a yellow striped circle skirt from Tommy, which was both a bargain and easy to put on.

By the time I got to the doctor’s office, I could barely move. Everyone there got a real kick out of the hula-hoop incident. Yeah, really funny, guys. We’ll just see how you feel when you can’t sit down without wincing.

OK, there wasn’t really a pity party. I made as much fun of myself as everyone else did. I mean, I get it – hula hoops aren’t for thirtysomethings. When my doctor popped me back into joint, I felt like a new woman. I could move! And when he told me not to convalesce – to get out and do things – I rejoiced.

I could shop! Without pain!

The one thing I won’t be buying? A hula hoop.

ShopNotes

. Next time you’re in Millinocket, check out Thirteen Moons, an eclectic, new-age boutique with a twist. Visitors will appreciate the fine coffees, the handmade toiletries, and the gorgeous – and super-affordable – jewelry made by a local high school student. Those in search of a spiritual experience will enjoy the selection of books, runes, Celtic crosses and small stone cairns. I loved the “Chick Chocolates,” fun little candies that would be perfect gift for your best girlfriend. Owners Jen Olsen and Sue Morneault had retail assistance from Grasshopper Shop proprietors Rick and Laurie Schweikert, but the store has its own vibe. The shop is located at 256 Penobscot Ave. in Millinocket. For more information, visit www.thirteenmoons.net or call 723-5313.

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