In dumb-crook cases, truth funnier than fiction

In the uncomfortable heat and humidity of the current spell of dubious weather, thank God we can participate in the mandatory daily laugh. In the process, we often are reminded that truth can be stranger than fiction. And far more amusing, as well.

The dumb-crook genre is the mother lode for many a strange tale, one being an allegedly true story out of San Fancisco on the Web site www.geocities.com. Don’t stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

A man waiting to rob a downtown Bank of America walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny into this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to a Wells Fargo bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line there, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Isn’t that always the way? Try to be a model citizen by following directions so as not to rock the boat, and look where it gets you.

The Wall Street Journal of June 20 carried a story about the problem which baggy trousers can create for petty criminals trying to evade the law. “Young men and teens wearing low-slung, baggy pants fairly regularly get tripped up in their getaways, a development that has given amused police officers and law-abiding citizens a welcome edge in the fight against crime,” reporter Serena Ng wrote.

The article cited a half-dozen instances where beltless pants, worn at somewhere around half-mast by dudes who think it looks cool, have foiled fleeing felons. When one miscreant eluding police attempted to scale a back yard picket fence he snagged his oversized pantaloons. Police found him dangling upside down, pants at his ankles and tangled in the fence. They cut him free and charged him with various misdemeanors, including, one would hope, navigating in public without a belt.

The antics of free-spending government agencies are always good for a laugh, even though in the end the joke is always at our expense.

A friend fond of forwarding stuff off the Internet that he believes to be worthy of my perusal sent an item recently that he said should make me feel all warm and fuzzy when I send my next income tax payment off to the federal government.

The item noted that when the National Aeronautics and Space Administration first started sending astronauts off into space it was quickly discovered that ball point pens would not work in zero gravity.

NASA scientists tackled the problem, allegedly spending $12 million and one decade to develop a pen that not only functions in zero gravity, but also upside down, on almost any surface, including glass, at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Centigrade. The kicker: When their counterparts in the Russian space program were confronted with malfunctioning ball point pens in zero gravity they simply switched to pencils.

I can’t vouch for the accuracy of that report; whether the facts were tampered with or mitigating circumstances omitted by its anonymous author to make it a better story. But it sure does have a ring of authenticity about it.

So does the one about the retired potato farmer and the hardware store owner that I heard while attending the farmer’s funeral in my north country hometown recently.

Years ago, the farmer had visited the local hardware store in search of a new screen door for his home. The price of the door was marked at $20.

Twenty bucks seemed a bit much, he complained to the hardware man, seeing as how a competitor in a neighboring town was selling the same model door for $16.

Hardware Guy: “So go buy one there.”

Farmer: “Can’t. They don’t have any in stock.”

Hardware Guy: “Well, there you go. If I didn’t have any, I could sell them for $16, too.”

NEWS columnist Kent Ward lives in Winterport. His e-mail address is olddawg@bangordailynews.net.