I took my first drink at the age of 14. I used alcohol for self-medication after losing my parents; it seemed to be the answer to my prayers and it helped me deal with my grief, loss, sadness and fear.

I was married at 18 to a wonderful woman who stayed by my side for 10 years in spite of my worsening drinking and the insanity that came with it. She gave me two beautiful children but that didn’t change my compulsive drinking habit. Finally, though, she couldn’t deal with my repeated broken promises to quit and all the lies that alcoholics use to hide their drinking, and she divorced me.

The more I drank, the more problems it caused in my life and in the lives of other people I was in contact with. I would drink to forget the problems alcohol was causing in my life, which of course only made the problems worse.

There were many failed attempts in rehabs, but I just couldn’t stop drinking. Even being arrested and jailed multiple times didn’t cause enough grief for me to stop. My arrests included operating under the influence, assaults and driving with a suspended license to name a few. But nothing mattered. I needed to drink, a compulsion driven by this disease of alcoholism I have.

There were numerous failed relationships. I couldn’t seem to find a woman who would put up with my drinking. There were numerous job changes, too – one every six months or so, so no one would really discover the extent of my drinking problem. This continued for 25 years. I literally sold my soul to the bottle.

I had hurt everyone around me with my alcoholic behavior and was spiritually, emotionally and mentally bankrupt. I was so lost and empty inside that I actually welcomed death and prayed for God to let me die. But God had other plans and one day things took a turn for the better. I was arrested for drunk driving one more time and sent to the Maine State Prison for three years.

Today I can say this was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have found – or was found by – the fellowship of a wonderful 12-step group, the Ledge Group. I have no doubt this saved my life. Through the 12 steps I am slowly regaining my self-worth and self-esteem. I am learning to deal with the loss of my parents and to live my life on life’s terms, not mine.

There is nowhere I would rather be than here where God has placed me. Today I am freer than I ever was. I look forward to my life anew, and I thank God.

God Bless.

Cliff Smith is an inmate at the Maine State Prison in Warren. Please join our conversation about Maine’s substance abuse problem. We welcome comments or questions from all perspectives. Letters may be mailed to Bangor Daily News, P.O. Box 1329, Bangor 04401. Send e-mail contributions to findingafix@bangordailynews.net. Column editor Meg Haskell may be reached at (207) 990-8291 or mhaskell@bangordailynews.net.

From the Heart

My heart goes out to Randy Horr [who wrote about his addiction and recovery in the July 13 edition of Finding A Fix]. What a touching and thoughtfully written description of the life of a person who is recovering from alcohol-drug addiction. I couldn’t help but wonder how, and why an 8-year-old would be drinking a beer; perhaps, as mentioned, it was the influence of an older sibling. But what about his parents? It concerns me to think children are being raised with so little guidance or supervision.

In our more permissive society of the past 30 years or more, I wonder if parental duties have not been taken seriously enough. So many tragic deaths are reported in the paper each week of young people who have been in motor vehicle crashes and boating accidents where alcohol was present. It is the parents’ responsibility to assure children’s safety and development. I have studied alcoholism and have been involved in career counseling of people who were in recovery. I understand that, once someone is addicted to alcohol-drugs, it is a long and continuing process of recovery. Many thanks to Mr. Horr for acting in such an adult and wise manner both in straightening out his own life and in helping us all to travel a straighter pathway. – MARY-JO CARROLL