It is time to rid the earth and its highways of one of the planet’s worst scourges – tailgaters. I propose a new law that will imprison tailgaters for a five-year term for the first offense and execute them for any repeat offense.

I will ask my favorite legislator, Sen. Christine Savage of Union, to file the bill.

Tailgaters, as if you need to be reminded, are those brain-dead drivers, some of whom think they are in a NASCAR race, who insist on speeding up to your rear bumper and staying there for miles, even when there is ample opportunity to pass.

They are the reason I never carry my service revolver in my glove compartment.

They come in all sizes, in all sexes, in all shapes. Some of them multitask and use their cell phones while tailgating.

I have never understood the practice and never will. Do they really think you will speed up, because they are already late for work? Do they think they will get someplace faster by driving as close as physically possible to another car? Wouldn’t passing the car in front of them and increasing their own speed be an improvement over tailgating?

What they are doing is increasing the likelihood of an accident for both cars. If a unicorn jumps out in front of my car and I slam on the brakes and the moron behind me slams into me, guess what the tailgater will say? “I couldn’t stop in time.”

Gee, I wonder why?

Since I started driving, I have simply dropped 10 miles an hour when one of these NASCAR rejects comes too close. If they stay, then I drop 10 miles an hour more, especially if there is room to pass. I pray that I aggravate them as much as they bother me.

I am not alone in my concern for these drivers.

The Associated Press reported last week that although many drivers might see tailgating as nothing more than an annoyance, it is a significant factor in many accidents, safety officials said.

In Minnesota, rear-end collisions accounted for 28 percent of all crashes last year and resulted in 22 deaths, according to the State Office of Traffic Safety. And the number of rear-end crashes in the state increased to 24,820 last year, from 22,206 in 2002.

“It’s truly dangerous,” said Pat Hackman, executive director of Safe Communities of Wright County, a nonprofit traffic safety organization. “And some people might say, ‘Don’t we have bigger problems than this?’ And we certainly do. But I don’t think you quite understand how this is contributing to the bigger problems that we have.”

In a trial project, Minnesota painted dots on a two-mile stretch of a rural highway about 35 miles northwest of Minneapolis, to teach drivers about safe following distances.

The idea of the dots on the highway here, explained on road signs, is for drivers to keep a distance of two dots between vehicles. The 225 feet between dots represents a driving interval of three seconds at the speed limit of 55 mph.

Maryland started a similar project this month on the eastbound span of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge in Annapolis using hot pink panels. Pennsylvania began experimenting with distance dots in 2000, but stopped adding them to roads in 2003 because transportation officials said they were not deterring the worst offenders.

Gordy Pehrson, traffic safety coordinator in the Minnesota Office of Traffic Safety, said he hoped the dots would have a “halo effect,” with drivers taking the lesson to other roads as well.

“This is not intended to be the cure-all for all the tailgating problems,” Pehrson said. “Obviously we’re not going to paint dots on every road in the state.”

Should Maine cover its highways with dots to deter tailgating? No.

The flaw in the Maryland and Minnesota plans is that it treats tailgating as a rational process. How could it be?

I favor my plan. Five years first offense. Execution second offense.

That will stomp out tailgating, once and for all.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.