Tailgating column drives readers to respond

I, like Mr. Billy Joel, am an innocent man. I will swear on a stack of Sports Illustrated magazines that I have never smoked crack and have never been an asshat, whatever that is.

Don’t believe everything that you read.

One of the major stresses in my (mostly carefree) life is highway tailgating, and I don’t mean eating bratwursts at Patriots games. I mean the mindless drivers who insist on riding four inches off your bumper when you are driving five miles over the speed limit and passing is simple, safe and easy.

Being required to come up with 52 column ideas each year, I innocently thought an anti-tailgating column would be appropriate. Who, after all, would support the dangerous practice? I suggest, as a joke, that tailgaters should be arrested and imprisoned for five years for the first offense, then executed for the second offense.

Perhaps I am not innocent. Perhaps I am just dumb. I got more e-mails, from Saudi Arabia to Florida, on that one column than I got all year.

Many thought I was a moron to even question tailgating, implying that it is all my fault. Honest to God.

Michael S. said, “Are you kidding or have you hit the crack pipe one too many time? The prison system in the U.S.A. is already overcrowded, with virtual no place to keep the criminals that are a real problem. Hey I have an idea. Let’s release all the murders and rapists to imprison the tailgaters. I love how your plan calls for a punishment that makes tailgating a worse crime then child molester or cop killing. By the look of you photo your like what 70 years old, I bet that you also drive under the speed limit in the left hand lane, while looking for a farmers market to run into. It is the old farts on the road that are real hazard. The next time you have a thought, just let it go.”

LCorn agreed. “You should be fired from your job, and any PC at your work or home should be removed from your reach. You are truly an asshat.”

What is an “asshat?” I don’t think it’s good.

“If you are being tailgated in the right lane, then I would concur with your story. But if you insist on driving in the left lane, then move to the right and let faster traffic pass on the left. In America, the left lane is for passing, not for cruising. Most thruway systems have signs that tell you that,” said Bob, from New York.

Austin, clearly, was not impressed. “umm.. how pathetically, stupidly slow are you creeping down the highway in the passing lane? Drafting the guy in front of you saves gas because you are in there wake … you don’t have to shove air out of the way that is already pushed aside by their car … I am quite simply amazed … DUMBFOUNDED, that you do not seem to realize this. your ignorance in this most basic element of physics causes me to question your general savvy and awareness of the world around you … thus my suspicion that you drive so slow THAT YOU DESERVE IT.”

Mike had a different idea. “I sorta like your idea but would like to suggest if people in the left lane would just get out of the way and drive in the right lane where they belong, there would be no tailgating problem. My solution is execution for a first offense of hogging the left lane. I also suggest the same punishment for driving while using a cell phone! Maybe by combining our ideas we could make the roads far better for everyone.”

Rolerson suggested that I relocate. “Sounds to me that YOU should move to those other states you are running your mouth about …”

Jason thought that he knew me, or at least my ilk. “You’re the guy that pulled out in front of me and accelerated up to 15 mph on a 45 mph road. I’m sure you’re constantly shocked when people ride up on your bumper when you’re only going 10 mph under the limit. perhaps if you learned how to drive like everyone else your tailgating complaints would melt away.”

Naturally, I do not defend, nor practice, the traffic-clogging lane hog. I object to tailgating when I am in the right lane traveling at the speed limit, when the left lane is available for passing. I am not a slow driver and have a fistful of speeding tickets to prove it.

Not everyone hated my plan of executing tailgaters.

Ghosty said “Comment: A bit extreme, but the fear factor alone would definitely reduce the absurd amount of tailgating that we have today. The tactic you mentioned – of slowing down when someone rides up your [tailpipe] – is one I use frequently, especially on single lane roads.”

My new pal. Edmond from Pa. Said, “Right on! I’m with you 100% – sage advice from a fellow Irish-American. These [tailgaters] have yet to evolve to the point where they no longer walk along on their knuckles.”

Jonathan from Washington wrote, “Good article. When we put the first tailgater onto the scaffold (for in Washington, where I live, execution can mean hanging), I volunteer to drop the trap door. Tailgating is as avoidable as it is stupid as it is dangerous as it is a form of petty, cowardly bullying. It deserves penalty for any one of the four, but for all four, yeah, string ’em up.”

John from Corinna wrote, “About slowing down on tailgaters: I’ve done that; twice, right here in Maine, gradually slowing until I came to a dead stop on the road (on a rural road, in a passing zone with no oncoming traffic) and both times my tailgater came to a dead stop behind me! Now I just pull over and let ’em go have their accident somewhere else.”

New Moon said, “I used to live in Connecticut and on my daily commute between Waterbury and Southbury, frequently tractor-trailer drivers would almost be touching my rear bumper in the right lane of I-84 with horn blaring as I was traveling at the speed limit. I didn’t dare slow down because I know what the consequences of being rear-ended by a tractor-trailer would be. I haven’t had such problems with tractor-trailer drivers on I-95 in the Bangor area, though.”

Mr. Oregon wrote, “Your solution makes complete sense, but I would like to add my favorites to the list of executionable offenses. I live in Oregon, and we have several problems here, the first is those who do not believe in keep right unless you are passing. These people who camp out in the fast lane hamper traffic for miles. The second problem leads back to the first problem. People who choose to do less than the posted speed limit, in the fast lane. These are the reasons I do not carry a gun. The five-year and death sentences would be OK for these as well.”

At least Andy likes me. “Hooray for the article on tailgaters – almost nothing makes my blood boil more. I sometimes run the windshield washer when they’re behind me. This doesn’t really cause any hardship on their part but occasionally they get the message and back off. A friend and I considered building a bug-filled tray that could be controlled to release the critters with a flick of a switch – covering the tailgater’s windshield. Of course, then one might have a case of road rage to deal with. ”

Hey, maybe I am an asshat. But if I am getting e-mail from Saudi Arabia to Oregon, I am going to ask my editor for more money … a lot more money.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.