Beloved commentator makes the fantasy team

Unfortunately, my old pal, Tony Kornheiser, passed with flying colors on Monday night. If you have been vacationing in Meddybemps, you might have missed the fact that Tony K., a graduate of The New York Times, The Washington Post, ESPN radio then ESPN television on “Pardon the Interruption,” has made it to sports Valhalla: Monday Night Football.

I love the homely, orange, bald man so much that I bought a $300 satellite radio to hear his radio show. I forgave him when he fled to television, leaving me holding the $300 bag. Forget the monthly charge.

I have to love Tony. Twice, he read my measly column on national radio. I missed the first one, driving to Florida when I stopped at the New Hampshire liquor store. I don’t know where I was for the second reading.

I have to love Tony. He is the funniest, most sarcastic sports reporter in any medium. Plus, he hates to fly. The last I heard he was taking the bus from Minnesota to Seattle, his next gig.

Makes sense to me.

For months, since the Monday Night Football gig was announced, Tony K. lowered expectations. He promised a major flop. He lowered expectations so much that it would have taken a projectile vomit in the booth for him to fail. He predicted that he would be fired (and paid off) by the third Monday night game. A notorious early-to-bed type, Kornheiser doubted that he could stay awake for the fourth quarter.

But the national reports on Tuesday morning were glowing, as I suspect he knew they would be.

In the Web log, Sports Nut Robert Weintraub wrote, “If nothing else, Tony K. adds the wiseass Jew element to Middle America’s most beloved sport. It’s actually a throwback move of sorts, hearkening back not only to the glory days of Howard Cosell but the emerging days when the popularity of the citified New York Giants helped grow the league into the colossus it has become.

“Kornheiser will become a real treasure if, like Cosell, he refuses to genuflect to the league and the network. If Tony stays true to the snarky BS-caller he plays on ‘Pardon the Interruption,’ MNF is in for a big improvement.”

In the Detroit News, Angelique Chengelis wrote: “He is neurotic but witty, and that’s exactly why Tony Kornheiser, columnist for The Washington Post and ESPN veteran, will succeed in the Monday Night Football booth.

“Kornheiser is the sports media world’s version of Woody Allen, just not as self-absorbed. Kornheiser is astute, he gets it, and he knows how to translate it to the public.”

Like the missing Marx Brother, Kornheiser blasts them all. The Minneapolis Star Tribune published this list of Tony quotes.

“I know the names of all the head coaches, but with some of them, like Rod Marinelli, Brad Childress, Sean Payton and Mike McCarthy, I’m not exactly sure which teams they coach.”

“I can’t believe anybody wants to hear my analysis of the play that just took place, especially in the third and fourth quarters when I won’t even be awake. And if I am, chances are I’ll have missed the big play because I was watching the Weather Channel on one of the other monitors.”

“After Mike Tirico calls the play and Joe Theismann analyzes the play, I’m going to have, at most, three to five seconds to say something – and that’s only if Theismann takes a breath and lets me talk.”

“What if I say something irredeemable, like Jimmy the Greek or Mel Gibson? Then my career is over. (Although maybe Mel and I could star in “Lethal Weapon 5: The Day the Jews Got Even.)”

“Often I refer to Ravens coach Brian Billick as a preening schmo. But last month .. I had lunch with him … so now I really like Billick, and I’m reluctant to call him a preening schmo anymore even though down deep, come on, you know he is.”

“I have the good angel sitting on one shoulder whispering, ‘Be nice, Anthony. These are nice, hard-working people.’ And I have the bad angel on my other shoulder whispering, ‘Crush ’em like a bug, T.'”

ESPN senior coordinating producer Jay Rothman said: “I swear to God, he is going to hit it out of the park.”

Now that he is such a smash hit and making millions, maybe he can pay me the $300 he cost me for that damned satellite radio. I never use it now.

I was secretly praying for him to fail, so he would return to the radio and I could listen to him every day.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.