In theaters

“THE WICKER MAN,” written and directed by Neil LaBute, 106 minutes, rated PG-13.

File it under “What were they thinking?” And then file that file in the trash.

The new Neil LaBute movie, “The Wicker Man,” a remake of the 1973 horror film of the same name, is one of those bad movies that it takes three good movies to get over – and not necessarily for the audience. What they get here is a low, unintentional comedy, a movie so spectacularly rotten, you sit there thinking, “Wow, this is spectacularly rotten.” And then you wonder whether you’re witnessing a small slice of cinematic history.

Could this, in fact, be the worst film of 2006? Have the dog days of summer finally produced their awful, unmentionable litter? We’ll see. Still, when Academy Award-winning actress Ellen Burstyn appears in her fright wig and “Braveheart” makeup, flapping her arms as she winds around giant, buzzing bee hives and trips through utopian woods with her creepy island “sisters” hot on her tail, there’s good reason to wonder.

And let’s not forget Academy Award-winning actor Nicolas Cage, the star of the show, who at one point dons a bear suit and dances in what essentially is his own little parade of death. All of this and so much more (and so much less) unfolds in “The Wicker Man,” whose plot barely deserves mention here.

So, naturally, we’ll mention it.

Cage is Edward Malus, a California cop who begins the film on a bum note. When a little girl throws her doll out of a moving car, Malus pulls the car over, gently chastises the girl and her mother, and then watches in astonishment as the feisty brat tosses her doll back into the busy street. Before Malus can retrieve it, the girl and her mother are creamed by a semi, the car catches fire and boom – they’re toast.

Haunted, ruined and hooked on antidepressants, Malus now is a man questioning his very existence when he receives a letter from his old flame, Willow (Kate Beahan).

Apparently, Willow’s daughter has gone missing. Will Malus come to the secluded island of Summersisle to help find her? Sure, he will. Will Willow’s daughter look exactly like the doll-tossing darling Malus watched burn alive? Sure, she will. Will the movie adequately explain all its loose threads and odd connections? The cultlike group of man-hating women who inhabit the island? How LaBute, who wrote the script, convinced this cast to star in this movie?

Sure, it won’t.

“The Wicker Man” isn’t as bad as the decade’s biggest misfire, “Battlefield Earth,” but it comes close. It’s the sort of movie in which you hope Ellen Burstyn, once so good in “The Exorcist,” still has a few connections at the Vatican. Her Sister Summersisle character and Cage’s Malus are so embarrassingly conceived, Burstyn might ask for a divine intervention to help us forget them both.

Grade: Bomb

On DVD

“UNITED 93,” written and directed by Paul Greengrass, 115 minutes, rated R.

Toward the end of Paul Greengrass’ “United 93,” the director delivers one of several masterstrokes, layering the hushed prayers of Christianity and Islam over each other until the cabin on that doomed Sept. 11, 2001, flight becomes a divided worship house roaring through the heavens.

The experience of hearing Greengrass’ growing cacophony of “God” and “Allah” becomes almost otherworldly – a quiet chant. Moments are undeniably melodic, as if the two religions, for an odd instant, create an unlikely kind of music, with the conviction of every soul on that plane joining a chorus to which they never thought they’d be a part.

Like so much of this heartbreaking, beautifully handled film, you sit transfixed, knowing the tragic fate of the men and women hijacked by the four terrorists on United Flight 93, but not necessarily knowing what they went through during the final moments of their lives. That’s still true – we won’t ever know. But by stitching together the telephone calls made by those passengers to their loved ones as the events unfolded – as well as the documented accounts of those in the military and air traffic control towers – the movie gives us a believable, realistic idea that is never sensationalized.

The film is shot as if it were a documentary, with handheld cameras giving it the claustrophobic immediacy and off-center sense of confusion cinema verite provides. It was exactly the right choice, removing any sense of Hollywood gloss from a production that might have been bastardized by it.

While the movie only wants to observe and never to pass judgment – which is its shrewdest move as it allows the viewer to remain firmly rooted in the moment and not in the murky waters of political commentary – it’s in its observations that it creates its gut-wrenching run of suspense.

Going into it, we all know how this movie will end. Yet watching the terrorists enter the airport and take their seats among those they plan to kill nevertheless forms a knot in your stomach that becomes an anchor.

This is particularly true when the door to the plane is sealed shut. With the passengers still reasonably safe on the tarmac, just above them in the flight towers is chaos-frantic men and women aware of hijacked planes. The idea that none of this was shared with the passengers or with the crew allowed them to exist in a cocoon of false security. The world was learning fast that it was on the brink of change, but for those in the planes, it was just another flight, a link to another destination.

Later, in the air, with the chaos unfolding inside Flight 93, the passengers and crew realized they had no choice but to unify and to charge into the face of madness. The scene is excruciatingly difficult to watch. “United 93” presses hard on raw nerves and then, in its final frame, it literally crushes them. What Greengrass has created is haunting and unshakable, the medium at its full potential.

Grade: A

Visit www.weekinrewind.com, the archive of Bangor Daily News film critic Christopher Smith’s reviews, which appear Mondays in Discovering, Fridays in Happening, and Weekends in Television. He may be reached at Christopher@weekinrewind.com.

The Video-DVD Corner

Renting a video or a DVD? BDN film critic Christopher Smith can help. Below are his grades of recent releases in video stores. Those in bold print are new to video stores this week.

Akeelah and the Bee – B+

ATL – B-

Beautiful People: Complete Series – C+

Breakfast on Pluto – B

The Constant Gardener – A-

The Dick Cavett Show: Hollywood Greats – A

Double Indemnity – A

Epitafios: Complete First Season – A-

Family: Complete First and Second Season – B

The Flintstones: Complete Sixth Season – B

Friends with Money – B

Junebug – A

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – B+

Lucky Number Slevin – B

Match Point – A

Michael Moore: The Best of the Awful Truth – B+

Munich – A-

Nip/Tuck: Complete Third Season – B+

North Country – C

Paradise Now – A-

Poseidon – B

Pride & Prejudice – A

Red Eye – B+

Shakespeare Behind Bars – A-

Silent Hill – C-

16 Blocks – B

The Squid and the Whale – B+

Supernatural: Complete First Season – B-

Syriana – B+

Take the Lead – C-

Transamerica – B

United 93 – A

Walk the Line – A-