Online daters should be careful meeting

Most of the columns I’ve written about online dating, I hope, have been lighthearted. There have been stories of success and failure, but the common denominator I’ve tried to get across is that dating should be mostly fun.

So I got a bit spooked by a story that recently came across the Associated Press wire. It seems a man in Philadelphia, who was meeting women through an online dating service, lied about what he did for a living.

That kind of thing probably goes on every day, but here’s the disturbing part.

Jeffery J. Marsalis, 33, has been accused of slipping a drug into the drinks of his dates, taking the women home and then raping them. He’s facing nine counts in Philadelphia and another in Sun Valley, Idaho.

Marsalis’ lawyer characterized the incidents as a case of “buyer’s remorse” – women who were ashamed that they went home with a man on the first date. Yes, it could be the women were ashamed or angry when they found he was an “on-and-off” nursing student instead of the doctor, astronaut and spy he claimed to be.

Nursing, great. Just finish school already.

But the AP wrote that the women’s stories were “strikingly similar” in that they felt unusually intoxicated after coming back from the restroom or letting Marsalis bring back a drink from the bar. They claimed they later woke up in his apartment without knowing how they got there.

Who knows what really happened. It’s frightening, though, it could happen to anyone, and it should be a wake-up call for anyone who meets relative strangers for drinks in bars, otherwise know as people who are dating.

According to the AP story, Marsalis met most of the women through Match.com. In a statement last week, the company said it cannot monitor its clients once things move from online communication to the real world.

I surfed over to the Match Web site the other day to check out their safety advice. Although the Online Dating Safety Tips are all the way at the bottom of the page, they’re there, and they’re helpful.

Match recommends that you do a little research (Hello, Google) into your date. Sure, it seems a little nosey, but it’s worth it to avoid trouble. There are sex-offender and criminal history databases online, and while this might seem a bit extreme, it’s a good idea if you have a bad feeling in your gut – which, by the way, is another safety tip from Match. Trust your instincts. If a potential date tells you they’re a spy, your instincts should tell you they must not be a very good one if they can’t keep the secret.

Also, listen to what the other person is saying. If he or she professes undying love on the first date, changes their story a couple of times, is vague from the beginning or talks about money problems, you’ve got a problem. Trust is important in a relationship, but I think it’s best to be a bit cynical at first. Don’t believe everything you hear from that relative stranger who happens to be your date.

If you’re ready to move an online relationship to the real world for the first time, safety should be of primary concern. The first meeting should take place in a public area with enough people around to make you feel safe (but quiet enough so you can talk). Don’t let your date pick you up at your house – meet there instead. Bring along a cell phone.

Alcohol is the tricky variable. Most of us indulge in a glass of wine or bottle of beer on a first date. It’s a way to relax a bit and a crutch to deal with fidgety hands.

But don’t cross that fine line between relaxed and comfortably numb. We all know our limits and what happens with even a little too much booze.

And, getting back to Mr. Marsalis, don’t ever leave your drink unattended, even for a bathroom trip. Even if he’s innocent of the recent allegations, there are plenty of reports of people slipping drugs into drinks. I’m sure women have done it to men, too, to swipe a wallet.

Just as you shouldn’t leave your drink alone, the same thing goes for a wallet, purse, or pocketbook. Your first date could be a pickpocket.

The most important safety tip I can imagine is to tell a trusted friend where you’re going, what time you’ll be there and expect to be back home, and maybe the name of your date. Once you’re on your way home, give that friend a call just to let them know you’re safe.

Not only is that a good measure of safety, but it’s a good measure of sanity. It’s fun to have someone to dish with after the evening – especially if the date turns out to be a 33-year-old, on-and-off nursing student and not a doctor.

Jessica Bloch can be reached at jbloch@bangordailynews.net