As a Christmas gift, GPS device can go a long way

I know he is making his list and checking it twice. But even Santa could use a little help. I made my own wish list.

Everyone but me now has a global positioning system in their vehicle. Since the option was not available when I bought that mighty Tundra, I get lost all by myself. Hammacher Schlemmer, the magazine I read when I pretend I have money, offers a portable navigation system.

No installation required, thank you Santa. Just plug it into the cigarette lighter. I could do that.

This not only leads you to gas stations and hotels, but barbecue joints from here to Florida, an absolute must for those spring-training trips, especially if the maniacal Uncle Frank is involved. This baby is “voice guided” and will give you info while you keep both hands on the wheel. (I don’t know how many times I have tried to sneak a peek at the road atlas while screaming down Route 95.)

If anyone is looking for a gift for me, this would look good under the tree (and in the mighty Tundra) for a mere $799.95.

One of these days, I am going to learn the constellations so I can bore people to tears on the Cobb Manor deck. We attended a star lecture this year on Beech Hill in Rockport, conducted by some earnest expert. The lecture continued even as a pea soup fog obliterated everything over 4 feet 6 inches.

No help.

So I will add to my list the “Sky Scout hand held, instant star and constellation finder,” which won the “prestigious” Consumer Electronics Show Innovation Award.

Popular Mechanics, which I leave alone, says this baby instantly identifies more than 6,000 celestial objects at the touch of a button when aimed at any section of the night sky. Probably wouldn’t do much in the day. Using GPS loading and three axis sensors (have to have those) to measure gravitational and magnetic fields and an extensive, built-in digital astronomy database, the Sky Scout will find a constellation name, distance, history, trivia and mythology.

A steal at $399.95.

My life now consists of the couch, the bed and the long walks in between. I must adjust my gift list accordingly.

What about some “genuine Turkish cotton men’s pajamas?” They must be genuine, after all. Who would give imitation Turkish cotton men’s pajamas? These bad boys are “cut from luxuriously soft 100 percent Turkish cotton, considered by many to be the finest cotton in the world,” and they allegedly grow softer with each washing, according to Hammacher Schlemmer.

You wash pajamas?

My slothful lifestyle could be greatly improved with these pajamas. I could look like Hugh Hefner and Howard Hughes, sort of. You could make this my stocking stuffer for only $79.95.

My physical activity is now limited to moving a pen (never a pencil) over a New York Times crossword puzzle. Sometimes I even carry my (wireless) computer to bed to do the crossword.

A perfect gift for me, then, would be the automatic crossword puzzle solver. This puppy carries 250,000 words and phrases from Merriam Webster. It has those hard-to-find state capitals, countries and capitals, presidents and sports figures, writers and celebrities, flowers, gems and wine.

I hope it has that original name for Tokyo, which I can never remember. Many times, I have to get up from the couch or bed and find my 10-pound, unabridged Random House Dictionary to finish my puzzle.

With this device, you can type in partial words (from the couch) to get a list of possible answers. It is also useful with Scrabble and Jumble, whatever that is. Thank God, it has large, easy-to-read type.

Only $49.95.

I was also looking at the 18-pocket “Correspondent’s Jacket” in case I ever get assigned to Beirut. A mere $89.95.

But I will skip the “total body fat” scale for the bathroom. Only $139.95.

After the holidays, I just don’t want to know.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.