When you feel powerless to help someone you love, sometimes the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself. These two books, quite different from each other, offer alternatives to the no-win battle to change someone else’s life:

. “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times,” by Pema Chodron. This readable little paperback draws on Buddhist teachings to help you accept painful times as a source of personal growth and even joy. That might sound like bunk to you (it did to me), but this book has worked surprising, subtle and lasting changes in my thinking and in my life. I keep it by my bed and dip into it often.

. “When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives,” by Jane Adams, Ph.D. Permission to admit we’re disappointed? Don’t tell Dr. Spock! I still hide this book under my mattress. In a more pragmatic and Western voice, Jane Adams sends the same message as Pema Chodron – put some space between yourself and your sadness, and reclaim your right to happiness.

I also recommend, with qualification, a free homemaking Web site, www.flylady.com. If you’re not careful, you’ll get smothered in an e-mail avalanche of repetitive instructions and smarmy testimonials. But FlyLady’s premise – that simplicity, mindfulness and routine should order our physical surroundings – is sound, and her practical approach to maintaining serenity in our homes is useful when things start sliding out of control.

Are there books, Web sites or other resources that have helped you deal with the impact of substance abuse? Tell me about them in an e-mail sent to mhaskell@bangordailynews.net and I’ll share them with my readers.