The memory is gone, along with virtually everything else.

First I can’t find my keys or glasses or cell phone. When I find them and go shopping, I can’t find the car.

I am not alone. When I go to large parking lots, I see all those kindred spirits wandering around with their keys in their hand, looking totally lost and embarrassed.

To compound the problem, I now have two vehicles, a development sparked by high gas prices. One is a fire-breathing, four-wheel-drive monster. The other gets 35 miles a gallon.

Last week, wandering around the Shop ‘n Save parking lot in the rain, I had to use the theft alarm switch on my key ring to find the car.

Beep! Beep! There it is.

I once lost a car at Daytona Beach and reported it stolen. It was right where I left it the next morning. Nary a drink or a woman involved. Honest.

Phone numbers, children’s names, movie stars’ names, movie titles, all gone. Thank God I have all the relevant phone numbers safely ensconced in my vitally important cell phone (when I can find it). The weird thing is that I remember stuff like Gary Geiger being the only man who ever pinch hit for (injured) Ted Williams. And Willie Mays being on deck when Bobby Thompson hit that famous home run. That’s real helpful.

Last week I tried to call the Camden newspaper from the unprogrammed house phone. I was pretty sure I knew the number. It was busy after four calls. Irritating. Then and only then did I realize I was calling my own phone from my own phone. Guess that’s why it was busy.

Many times, I have to call my cell phone to find out where it is.

There is hope – not on the horizon, but very close at hand: that kitchen coffee pot.

Coffee could be the new miracle drug.

I usually have two jolts of Patrick Reilly’s special Dark Star blend to start each day. Maybe I should have four.

Those mad, smock-wearing lab experimenters now tell us that research suggests that caffeine will not only help us find those damned keys, but it will offer protection against Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease. Together these degenerative brain diseases affect about 6 million people in the United States.

USA Today has reported that the research on caffeine ranges from a just-released mouse study to large-scale trials of coffee and tea drinkers.

I didn’t know mice drank coffee.

“Boomers are coming of age, and large numbers of them will develop neurodegenerative diseases,” says Zaven Khachaturian, president and CEO of the Lou Ruvo Brain Institute in Las Vegas and the former director of the Alzheimer’s unit at the National Institute on Aging.

The coming epidemic has fueled a search for drugs and other interventions that might slow the onset of these diseases, he says. If research by Gary Arendash and others holds up, boomers might be able to get some protection simply by enjoying that espresso at Zoot’s Cafe in Camden for a mere $3.50 a dram.

“Caffeine is the most widely used psychoactive drug in the world,” says Arendash, a researcher at the Byrd Alzheimer’s Institute in Tampa. “We think it might protect against Alzheimer’s.”

The human research seems to suggest that caffeine might shield the brain from subtle problems with forgetfulness – a possible early sign of Alzheimer’s.

A study of more than 600 men published in the August European Journal of Clinical Nutrition suggests that coffee drinkers may be protected from mild memory and thinking problems that come with old age.

That’s it.

I’m brewing a fresh pot of coffee right now.

Where is that coffee scoop? Do I have any half and half? Did I buy coffee? Is that the cell phone ringing? Where did I leave that? Is this Friday?

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.