Drug use is family’s and user’s problem

I would like to share my experience of how my life changed because I love an addicted person. Please allow me to tell you about my daughter. Let’s call her Melissa.

Melissa was the second of three children – beautiful, strong-willed, full of adventure and energy, always pushing the envelope and fighting for the underdog. She had a strong traditional family and was surrounded with love not only from her parents but also from her aunts, uncles and grandparents. Her blue eyes were full of life, and although she was not the exceptional student that her siblings were, she had a charm that won the hearts of most of her teachers and her classmates.

By the time she was in high school, she had already been chosen as “queen” of her school, co-captain of her basketball team and a class officer. Clearly she could have been accepted into any peer group she chose, but in the years that followed, her desire to use drugs (that later became her addiction) made her choose the groups that were using.

I still remember the pain in the eyes of one of Melissa’s non-using friends as she left our home after a visit. She was heartsick and disappointed, confused and bewildered by this change in our daughter, as was everyone in our family.

I know very little about Melissa’s use of alcohol and other drugs, because she was a very good liar and manipulator. What I learned years later was that her first taste of alcohol was at a friend’s house when she spent the night and the girls got into the parents’ liquor cabinet. She was in the seventh grade. That was also the year she used marijuana for the first time. By the time she was a junior in high school, she had quit all her sports activity, and that spring she left our home.

I must say, that was the most devastating time in my life. I had no idea where she was, whom she was with or if she was safe.

When I finally found her, I became this person I didn’t know anymore. I begged, pleaded, manipulated, promised – ANYTHING to get her to come back home. Nothing worked. She wanted to live her life by her own rules and she didn’t want any of our restrictions anymore. She walked away from everyone she had ever loved and her lifelong dream of working in the family business – so she could use.

Night after night, I cried myself to sleep in my husband’s arms. Neither of us knew what to do. I could barely function. I did only what I had to do because I had no energy to do anything more. I went to work, came home and wrapped myself in a blanket and cried. My co-workers were concerned for my emotional state as was my family.

Finally my boss, a recovering person, strongly suggested I attend a 12-step program for family and friends of addicted people. My first thought was, “There is nothing wrong with me. If Melissa would just get some help, I’d be fine.”

But there was no way she was willing to get help, and I was far from fine. I finally went to a meeting. I remember that first meeting like it was yesterday. I cried for the whole hour I was there, but I felt such warmth, acceptance and understanding. I took home a bunch of literature about the disease of addiction and went back the next week, and the next and the next. Finally, I was able to separate the disease from the person. I was able to hold on to my love for my daughter but “let go and let God.” I began to feel like a person again.

I must admit it hasn’t always been easy. I’ve had many slips, trying to manipulate a situation concerning Melissa in the way I think it should go, but then I remember, “let go and let God.” By letting go, I have had to watch my beautiful child, so full of life, go through some extremely painful, self-inflicted experiences. She has spent time in jail – not a pleasant experience, to say the least. She currently is not where she thought she would be at this time in her life, but she is functioning as best she can as a wife and a mother. I have learned to let her live her life – to let go and let God. Because in the end, when I step in the way, God isn’t able to do the work He desires to do in her life.

I share this painful experience with you because I hope people who are faced with the addiction of a loved one will reach out to a support group in your area. Please don’t have the attitude that I did, that it’s your loved one’s problem, because we get as sick as they do with this complicated disease.

You are not alone. In our small town in rural Maine, we have several 12-step meetings along with a faith-based recovery support program. If we have these resources, I’m sure your area does, too. You can call (800) 498-1844 or visit www.maineafg.org to find an Al-Anon group in your area.

Don’t hesitate to seek the help you need. We need to find our own “fix” and maybe, in the process, they will find theirs.

Maybe.

Please join our weekly conversation about Maine’s substance abuse problem. We welcome stories, comments or questions from all perspectives. Letters may be mailed to Bangor Daily News, P.O. Box 1329, Bangor 04401. Send e-mail submissions to column editor Meg Haskell, who also may be reached at (207) 990-8291 or mhaskell@bangordailynews.net.