When I returned to my home state of Maine after living away for almost 30 years, I found myself confronting an aging and ill stepfather who had been an alcohol abuser for many years. He was debilitated by serious health conditions that would eventually result in his death.

He was no longer allowed to drink or smoke, two of his favorite pastimes. So he resorted to another of his habits – emotionally abusing my mother. This was very hard for me to deal with. The result of my upset often left the situation even more tense, since I was in his house disapproving of his antics and attempting to help, which only infuriated him and created even more stress for Mom.

A friend sent me to Alanon to see if I might find some help there. I was able to gain a great deal of understanding of my stepfather’s illness, and also of my inability to do anything about it. At the meetings, I was invited to turn the situation over to my Higher Power, to apply the Serenity Prayer and to “Keep Coming Back.”

My stepdad died a couple years later, and my mother did not thrive. I tried my best to help her, after I learned the hard lesson that it was not my job to “fix” her – that I could simply love her and support her in her choices. Once I figured that out, we had a wonderful time together and I got to know her from the perspective of an adult male, which is a very different dynamic from the relationship of a mom to her boy. We got to be the best of friends, and I came to appreciate her artistic flair, her interest in almost everything and her unconditional love for my sister and me.

I am very thankful for what I learned in Alanon, and how I was able to apply the 12 steps to many aspects of my life.

Shawn Lewin lives in Bangor

Reader recommendations

Several weeks ago, I asked readers of this column to share the titles of books or other resources that have been helpful to them in their own recovery or that have helped them respond effectively to a loved one’s substance abuse or addiction. Below are some of your recommendations. I’ve checked online to see that they’re all still in print and available. Please keep your suggestions coming in! E-mail me at mhaskell@bangordailynews.net.

From Debbie Dettor, coordinator of the Maine Alliance for Addiction Recovery:

It was 1985 and I was coming to terms with my alcoholism. I was in my mid-20s but already had been hard-driven to success, working like crazy to put myself through graduate school so I could have a career helping others. I couldn’t believe where I found myself; I had not set out to be “one of them” – an alcoholic! I was ashamed and horrified and wondered what would become of me. Then someone recommended “The Courage to Change” by Dennis Wholey, a book of personal reflections about alcoholism by well-known people. This book was a powerful teacher about the range of those who have this illness and helped me learn that people with addictions could also be successful.

During the same time frame, I was attending a professional conference, not about substance abuse. I was shocked when the presenter pulled out a copy of a book well known to me and touted it as “the best guide to living” he had ever read. It was “Living Sober” published by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services. The lecturer told the audience that whether they were struggling with alcoholism or not, this book provided an excellent framework for a healthy lifestyle. I glanced furtively around at the professional crowd to see their reactions and exchanged wide eyes with my buddy sitting next to me, also in early recovery. I couldn’t have said it better!

From Jim in Stetson:

“The Road Less Travelled” by F. Scott Peck.

This is one of the most powerful books I’ve read to help me understand who I am and what I am and am not responsible for.

From a female alcoholic who does not want to follow the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous:

“Many Roads, One Journey: Moving Beyond the 12 Steps” by Charlotte Kasl. Stories told by those who have been there. Very compelling and encouraging – I’ve read it many times!

“Goodbye Hangovers, Hello Life: Self Help for Women” by Jean Kirkpatrick. Also the Web site of her organization, Women for Sobriety, at www.womenforsobriety.org.

Please join our weekly conversation about Maine’s substance abuse problem. We welcome stories, comments or questions from all perspectives. Letters may be mailed to Bangor Daily News, P.O. Box 1329, Bangor 04401. Send e-mail contributions to findingafix@bangordailynews.net. Column editor Meg Haskell may be reached at 990-8291 or mhaskell@bangordailynews.net