Step away from the stove, drop the whisk and put your hands where we can see them and nobody gets hurt.

You’re wanted by the food police. The charge? Impersonating a real cook.

It happens every year around this time, when armchair gourmets try to impress their valentines with menus that make Emeril and Rachael Ray look like amateurs.

Of course, it’s pretty easy to find the perpetrators – the smell of burning duck fat travels fast. And the blaring smoke alarm doesn’t hurt, either. We didn’t even need a warrant. We saw the remains of your deflated souffle through the kitchen window.

Clearly this is a case of good oven gone bad.

It’s not too late to turn your life – or your dinner – around. With a few words of wisdom, Bangor caterers Carmen and Arturo Montes can keep you on the straight and narrow. Consider them your probation officers.

“Don’t ever practice a new recipe when you’re trying to impress somebody,” Carmen said recently. “Know it before you try it because that can be disastrous.”

Sure, the lavender-scented creme brulee looked easy in the cookbook. And super-romantic to boot. But when love is on the line, a broken custard can leave you – and your date – broken-hearted.

Even simple dishes can fall flat if they’re not what your beloved was craving – as Carmen Montes knows all too well. The couple met while working as chefs in a Chicago Hilton, and Carmen thought it would be nice to pack a picnic on one of their first dates.

“Arturo had never been on a picnic,” Carmen recalled with a laugh. “I served him the avocado sandwich that we now have on our menu and he was like, ‘What is this?’ I think he was looking for barbecued chicken or something.”

See, even seasoned professionals make mistakes. But the stakes are higher for amateurs. There’s the need to impress, but also the need for success. Unlike a happy couple, the two don’t necessarily go hand in hand.

Carmen and Arturo’s advice? Keep it simple. And remember: size matters. Portion size, that is.

“It’s not romantic if you’re like, ‘Why are they giving me this much food? Can I have a to-go box?” Carmen said.

There’s nothing seductive about a 1-pound T-bone hanging off the side of a plate, unless your dinner companion happens to be a Rottweiler. Besides, a Texas-size meal will make your date want to sleep, not smooch. And that’s just criminal.

With that in mind, Arturo Montes has created a “Romantic Dinner 101” menu, with an option for vegetarians, using techniques and ingredients that even the most buffoonish bachelor (or bachelorette) can master. He even has advice for setting the table – and the mood:

“Remember, you’re not buying flowers for your date, you’re buying flowers for the table. You don’t want a huge piece in the middle of the dinner table. That will take away from conversation.”

So turn the lights down, light a few votives (that way, there’s no risk of anyone catching their hair on fire in these times of excessive product) put on a little soft music and serve up a dinner that will warm your date’s heart – and stomach.

Consider this your get-out-of-jail-free card. And don’t get any ideas about duck a l’orange. Some things are best left to the authorities.

Steak 101

2 small ribeye steaks

1 teaspoon Dijon mustard

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

Salt and cracked black pepper, to taste

Rub steak with dijon, then rub with a mixture of salt, pepper and garlic powder. Refrigerate while preparing salad, asparagus and potatoes (recipes follow).

When you’re ready to cook the steaks, turn the broiler to high and place your oven rack in the slot closest to the flame or filament.

Broil 31/2 minutes on each side for medium. Adjust time if you like your steak a little more rare or more well-done.

Cook’s note: Arturo suggests a ribeye because it contains a little bit of fat. That way, if you overcook it, the meat won’t turn out dry and chewy.

Gnocchi 101

1 package store-bought gnocchi

1 15-ounce can pureed squash

1/2 bunch scallions, chopped

1 tablespoon butter

1/4 cup light cream

Pinch nutmeg

Pinch ground ginger

Boil water for gnocchi and prepare according to package instructions.

While gnocchi is cooking, melt butter over medium-high heat in a large saucepan. Saute scallions until they’re tender but not brown, 3-5 minutes. Add light cream and bring to a simmer (when you see little bubbles at the side of the pan, you’re there.)

Stir in squash and let the sauce come to a boil. You may need to add a little more cream if the sauce looks too thick. Season with salt, ground pepper, ginger and nutmeg. Serve over gnocchi.

Cook’s note: You can find gnocchi, a potato-based pasta, in the fresh pasta section of the grocery store, and occasionally in the gourmet part of the dried pasta aisle. This is an elegant vegetarian alternative to the steak.

Roasted Parmesan Potatoes 101

1 bag small red potatoes

2 tablespoons olive oil

1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Quarter potatoes (you won’t need the whole bag. Plan on 4 small potatoes per person). Toss in olive oil and spread on a cookie sheet.

Bake for 25 minutes, until potatoes are golden and crispy.

Remove from oven and toss potatoes in a large bowl with Parmesan cheese. Serve hot.

Fancy Salad 101

1 bag spring greens or chopped romaine

1 package cherry tomatoes

1 small cucumber

A handful of mixed nuts

A handful of raisins

Store-bought salad dressing (a vinaigrette is nice)

Count on 1 handful of spring greens per person. Wash lettuce and divide between two small plates. Rinse tomatoes and arrange a few on top of each salad. Wash cucumber well, slice and arrange on salads. Sprinkle nuts and raisins on top of salads. Don’t add dressing until you’re ready to serve because it will make the lettuce wilt.

Asparagus and Sweet Pepper 101

1/2 bunch asparagus (look for pencil-size stalks)

1 small sweet pepper (red, orange or yellow)

1 tablespoon butter

1 small bunch fresh tarragon

Trim tough ends off asparagus (the thicker the stalks, the higher you’ll have to cut). Remove seeds from pepper and slice into thin strips.

Bring water to a boil in a large stockpot. Drop in vegetables and cook 2 minutes. Remove and drain. Chop tarragon until you end up with about 2 tablespoons (you don’t have to be too exact about this). Set aside two tarragon sprigs for garnish. In a large saucepan, heat butter and add vegetables. Sprinkle with chopped tarragon and serve. Garnish with tarragon sprigs.

Strawberries and Cream 101

1 package strawberries

1/4 cup sour cream

2 tablespoons brown sugar

Wash and hull strawberries. Place sour cream in a small dish and brown sugar in another small dish. Dip berries in cream, then sugar. If you really want to get romantic, feed them to your date.