March 29, 2024
OUT & ABOUT

TV can’t solve winter woes An inventory of paddling gear is better use of time

The other evening, after taking my evening walk, I settled in with a snack and something to drink and flicked on the tube. I was feeling a little guilty about not making it to the gym, but the brisk walk was something positive, no?

Anyway, there was something on the outdoor network about men with too much money to spend trying to trick a fish. Think about it for a second. An overpowered motorboat worth $50,000 or more, more fishing lures and rods than you could shake a stick at, and a $50,000 pickup to pull it all to the fishing hole all to outsmart a fish! The top of the food chain chasing after the bottom with a vengeance and an unlimited bankroll!

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done my share of fishing, have several graphite fly rods and numerous reels and lines, and heaven knows how many flies I’ve tied, but come on, doesn’t it get a little silly when the tab exceeds a hundred grand? And we sit there and watch, which is even more fascinating. You know the dude with the southern accent is going to catch that wily bass and yank him out of the weeds in a single snap that sends the lunker flying right at the boat.

And you know what’s next for sure. There’ll be more oohs and ahhs than you’d hear in a massage parlor, the dude will pick up said lunker by the lip and hold it quivering there in front of the camera while he makes some exclamation about this being the trophy of the year.

I felt the need to reach for a warm glass of milk to settle my nerves. Better yet, I reached for the remote in hopes of another episode of Trick My Truck, but alas, it was just ending! Rats! Bull riding just wasn’t on my list of evening programming, so I settled on the 50 worst fashion dos and don’ts of the year on E! Network. Surely I’d find something of redeeming social value here!

Good Lord! I never imagined I was so far out of touch with the fashion world! Most of the things they said were out were high on my list – well, maybe it was only a few. But, when will the message get sent to this neck of the woods?

I mean, fanny packs are out, can you believe it? And so are oversized handbags, and multiple handbags, too! What’s a guy or gal to do?

Mullets and lingerie as clothing and doorknocker earrings are out! Dark roots, too! And so, too, are animal prints. Makeup should never beg the question, “Is the circus in town?” the E! Network show told me.

After watching for a while I learned I shouldn’t be wearing that holiday sweater anymore (do something more subtle or sublime, I don’t know which), and those micro-miniskirts are a no-no, too. So, too, are the muscle shirt, shoulder pads, a fake tan, sneakers with suits, and that dreaded visible makeup foundation line! My goodness, what’s next?

Stay tuned, I was told. I couldn’t wait.

After the break I learned coon-eye makeup is out as is too much bling (just how much is all right wasn’t clear, but I don’t have to worry, I don’t have any). Soft waves are in, curly hair is out, matching his and hers denim outfits are out as are mom jeans. But don’t trade them in for those low, low riders that expose what most plumbers expose while working under the sink. And by all means don’t expose that thong, it’s an undergarment, which means it should be under the garment, not peaking over it. (Now they were taking some of the fun out of things.)

Oh, yes, ladies, don’t be wearing those see-through garments and by all means don’t be showing any panty lines (visible panty lines or VPL). Somehow men escaped this warning. Mean spirited T-shirts are out, too, as are chopsticks in your hair and multiple body piercings. Rats again! (Did you catch the rats in the New York Kentucky Fried Chicken/Taco Bell in Greenwich Village and the Au Bon Pain?)

And I thought that some of the more difficult decisions in my life centered on whether a buoyant, foam-filled graphite touring paddle blade was better than a glass-filled blade!

It made me grab for the remote, but by this time the wily fish had swum away and the bull riders were taking over.

It was time to turn my attention elsewhere, anywhere. I started a mental inventory of my paddling gear and zoned out.

Emergency glasses

In a rare moment of spare time this week, I was reading my Paddling.net e-mail and came across an article on how to make an emergency set of “glasses” should you have the misfortune of losing yours while out and about. It struck home because for the past two weeks until Friday I’ve been “making do” with a new pair of lenses in my glasses that have been driving me absolutely crazy. They’ve been distorting things and making my head spin. I’m better now, thanks, since I’ve gone back to a bifocal lens.

But I was about ready to try this handy hint I found in the Paddling.net article by Tom Watson, who sounds as dependent on corrective lenses as I am. You’ve got to check out www.paddling.net and go to the section on articles. (You’ll find all sorts of fun reads there.)

Basically what you’d do in an emergency is to take a length of duct tape twice as long as necessary to cover your eyes. Fold it over on itself, sticky side to sticky side and commence to punch a bunch of tiny pinholes in the area that will cover your eyes. Watson suggests a paper clip-wire-sized hole, as long as it’s punched fairly cleanly. The small holes act like a pinhole camera allowing you to see relatively clearly, he says.

When I have another free moment and a piece of duct tape, I’m going to give it a try. The people in the office here will surely get their daily dose of amusement from me, no?

Jeff Strout’s column on outdoor recreation is published each Saturday. He can be reached at 990-8202 or by e-mail at jstrout@bangordailynews.net.


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