A rocker’s regimen will get you in shape

I’m always thinking up get-rich-quick plans. Harebrained schemes. Cockamamie ideas, if you will. Most of which fail within days, or even hours of being thought of – but ideas, nonetheless.

In elementary school I attempted to sell school supplies from my desk. Hey, you need colored pencils? I got colored pencils. Glue sticks? Got ’em. Mini-stapler? Fifty cents a pop. But no one wanted to buy my wares – the supply of Handi-snacks and 10-color boxes of crayons far outweighed the demand.

Then there was the failed attempt at starting a music consulting business. You tell me what kind of music you like, and I go out and buy it for you and fill up your iPod (both of which you pay for). I still think this one will work. Bangor just isn’t ready for it yet.

But now I think I’ve stumbled across the one that will work. Check this out: the Emily Burnham Rock ‘n’ Roll Exercise and Diet Plan. Follow my easy six-week program, featuring the best in concerts and shows from around the state, and within that time span you’ll lose weight from all the dancing, and from having such a healthy, diverse menu of music. Or if not lose weight, then at least have a whole bunch of fun.

So who’s in? It starts today. It’s the best diet ever. Atkins ain’t got nothin’ on me. You can e-mail me at eburnham@bangordailynews.net, and we’ll talk about payment plans.

Week one, March 23-29

Start off strong. On Sunday, March 25, the Taste of Chaos tour rolls into the Cumberland County Civic Center in Portland, featuring 30 Seconds to Mars, the Used and Senses Fail. To exercise your mind as well as your body, Toronto post-rock group Do Make Say Think plays at the Space Gallery on Sunday, March 25. And hip-hop collective the Roots will raise your heart rate when it performs at Bates College in Lewiston on Monday, March 26.

Week two, March 30-April 5

OK, you’re all warmed up, so you can really start getting into it. On Friday, March 30, Antibalas Afrobeat Orchestra brings its joyful, political, polyrhythmic music to the Space Gallery. The next day, Southern rap duo Clipse will take the stage at the Station in Portland with DJ Jon and Orono rapper Affiliate. Indie pop band Aqueduct and Australian power-poppers Youth Group also play at the Space Gallery a few days later, on April 5.

Week three, April 6-12

You have two options. You can slow down a little bit by going to see Crosby and Nash (minus Stills and Young) at Merrill Auditorium in Portland. Or, you can keep up the pace by seeing either hardcore band Poison the Well at the Station in Portland on April 10, or chick metal band Kittie at 103 Ultra Lounge (formerly Ushuaia) in Orono, also on April 10.

Week four, April 13-19

This week is a little less strenuous, but only because the next one is so much more tough. Norah Jones and indie-folk songwriter M. Ward perform at Merrill Auditorium on April 15. I suggest supplementing your workout by going to see a local band.

Week five, April 20-26

This is the hardest week, but you’ve had four other weeks to get ready for it, so no complaining! The Space Gallery packs a double whammy of hip-hop for the weekend, when scratch DK Kid Koala performs there on April 20, and the next day avant-garde rapper Kool Keith brings his sci-fi-laced rhymes on April 21.

A bit further north, songwriter Citizen Cope and internet buzz band OK Go (if you haven’t seen their delightful, choreographed videos, look them up on YouTube.com) play at Colby College in Waterville on the 21st as well. Jam bands Rusted Root and Strangefolk play at Maine Center for the Arts in Orono on Monday, April 23.

On Tuesday, April 24, hardcore band From Autumn to Ashes plays at the Station. And to wrap it up, the rustic folk-rock band Dr. Dog perform at the Space Gallery on Wednesday, April 25. Hey, fitness isn’t easy!

Week six, April 27-May 3

I’ll be nice this week. Please take some time to do your own research and see a local band. Or, at the very least, play some music in your bedroom and dance around a bunch.

Week seven, May 4-10

Congratulations, you’ve made it! You should be in the best shape of your life. You can celebrate by going to see My Chemical Romance and Muse at the Cumberland County Civic Center on May 8, or Hawthorne Heights at 103 Ultra Lounge on the same day. Rock ‘n’ roll ain’t noise pollution – in fact, it’s good for you!

Tickets to shows at the Station, the Space Gallery, 103 Ultra Lounge and Bates College can be purchased at all Bull Moose Music locations. CCCC concert tickets are available at Ticketmaster outlets. For Merrill Auditorium, visit www.porttix.com. For Colby College, visit www.colby.edu. For the Maine Center for the Arts, call 581-1110.