‘Blades of Glory’ absurd but sharp ice-skating romp

In theaters

BLADES OF GLORY, directed by Will Speck and Josh Gordon, written by Jeff Cox, Craig Cox, Josh Altschuler and Dave Krinsky, 93 minutes, rated PG-13.

The funny new figure-skating satire, “Blades of Glory,” stars Will Ferrell as the alcohol-soaked, oversexed Chazz Michael Michaels, a man whose claim to fame is the flames that shoot out of his hands at the end of each routine (nice touch) and the alleged heat he packs in the bedroom (no comment).

He’s on the downside of his career – he’s packed on the pounds, he’s a few years past his prime, he sports an outrageous mullet that he brushes “100 times a night” – but he still has a way with the ladies and especially a way with the blade.

Jon Heder (“Napoleon Dynamite”) is uptight Jimmy MacElroy, a curious young man whose blond blowout is only upstaged by his dewy, bee-stung lips, the latter of which wouldn’t look out of place in a springtime meadow.

He is the adopted child of a cold billionaire (William Fichtner) who has trained Jimmy from childhood to be a force on the rink. Jimmy achieved that, but to what end? When he and Chazz come to fisticuffs at the title competition that begins the film, Jimmy’s father quickly disowns him when the sport bans Jimmy and Chazz for life.

Now, with each man adrift, they are convinced by Coach (Craig T. Nelson) to become what the scene never has seen – a male couple who enter the pairs competition. Due to a loophole, they’re allowed to do so, but in order to win, they must overcome several obstacles.

First is their enormous animosity toward each other, which is white-hot formidable. Second are the challenges inherent in mastering the Iron Lotus, a dangerous move that, if not performed with absolute precision, is known to decapitate. Third is the evil brother-and-sister skating team of Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg (Will Arnett and Amy Poehler), who see these two as such a threat, they use the charms of their meek sister, Katie (Jenna Fischer), to emotionally kneecap them.

From directors Will Speck and Josh Gordon, the team behind the Geico caveman ads, “Blades of Glory” is every bit as slight as it sounds, which is a virtue – it strikes just the right absurdist tone throughout.

Some of the laughs are inspired and big, and while you wish the movie were as cruel as you know the figure-skating world really is, at least it isn’t afraid of being silly, which is underscored with appearances by Brian Boitano, Nancy Kerrigan, Dorothy Hamill and Peggy Fleming. In a supporting role is Scott Hamilton, who whips himself into his usual excitable froth, but missing is Tonya Harding, who at this point in her boxing career – and her renewed intimacy with the law – really could have sent “Blades of Glory” soaring over its sea of sequins.

Grade: B+

On DVD

CHARLOTTE’S WEB, directed by Gary Winick, written by Susannah Grant and Karey Kirkpatrick, 98 minutes, rated G.

Gary Winick’s “Charlotte’s Web” doesn’t come close to achieving the magic of E.B. White’s book, but that likely will surprise only those who haven’t read the book. For those who have and who have great affection for it, the good news is that this telling of the tale does an earnest job in capturing the book’s essence in spite of being bound to the limitations of a literal medium – film.

Set in Hancock, Maine, (in Somerset County, no less, a rather glaring error), the film stars Dakota Fanning as Fern, a farm girl who witnesses the birth of 11 pigs, with one, the runt of the litter, about to be axed by her father (Kevin Anderson) when Fern intervenes.

She won’t hear of the pig’s death and soon, with her mother’s (Essie Davis) and father’s reluctant consent, Fern is raising Wilbur herself until he’s old enough to go across the way to her uncle’s barn. There, Fern still will have a hand in Wilbur’s care, but the film’s underlying tension comes from her uncle’s real intention for allowing the pig into the fold. Once Wilbur has enough meat on him, this spring pig won’t live to see the first snows of winter. He’ll be smoked.

Part of what made the book so great is that none of this is shielded from him. White dealt directly and honestly with life and death on the farm, refusing to sugarcoat its downside because he respected the animals first, his audience second.

Same goes for the movie, which stays true to the book in that Wilbur (voiced by Dominic Scott Kay), who is so full of life and who just wants a friend, must face his own death just as life for him is beginning. That’s a heavy truth for a pig to face, never mind the film’s intended audience of tots, who likely now will be thinking long and hard about what’s on their dinner plates after seeing the film.

Lifting the mood considerably are those plucky barn animals Wilbur wins over – a solid, all-star cast voices them – with the film’s other key relationship obviously being the one that builds between Wilbur and Charlotte (Julia Roberts), the gentle spider with the wise eyes who not only can weave a web, but also her share of words within that web. The bond that grows between them is the movie at its most touching, with their deep friendship – and the promises made in that friendship – helping the film to mount its emotionally charged ending.

Grade: B+