Slovenliness in the eye of the beholder

The neatness quotient at Cobb Manor is in inverse ratio to the distance I am from home. The more states between us, the neater the house.

While I was languishing in sunny Florida, Cobb Manor was under the watchful eye of Big Pete, a compulsive neatnik. When I arrived home last week, the counters were clear, and you could even see the rugs.

Luckily, Big Pete was not there when I unloaded seven weeks of flotsam, jetsam and road trash from the champagne Mazda which had just completed the 5,100-mile round trip.

By the time I had unloaded the trunk and various duffle bags of clean and not-so-clean clothes, The Cobb was back to normal, that is, an unholy mess. There were no dishes in the sink because I just didn’t have time. Two days later, it was jammed.

I just can’t help it. Each day, I get one newspaper delivered at the door and buy two more on my morning jaunt to Fowlie’s high-priced emporium. That’s 21 newspapers a week. Now you can’t always read all the articles so you create a “to read” pile. Mine is on the couch … and the floor. Added to the pile are the weekly deliveries of Sports Illustrated, New Yorker and assorted other magazines. Plus junk mail.

When the pile falls over on the floor and becomes a fire hazard, it is time for action. Once a week (or two) I drag in a plastic tub and fill it with the read newspapers from tables, chairs, couches and, of course, the floor.

Then, it starts all over again.

I always thought I was just lazy and actually enjoyed having all that information around me, if I needed it. I am vaguely nervous when the house is too clean and tidy. All right, I am a slob.

Maybe not.

Jason Elias, a behavioral therapist at Mclean Hospital’s obsessive compulsive institute said (according to the newspaper pile by the couch) “the general public thinks these people [hoarders] are slobs or lazy but actually most of the time it’s because … of so not wanting to waste things or make the right decision about a thing that it becomes overwhelming and they keep it.”

Boston University and Smith College have combined forces to study 100 Massachusetts clients to examine extreme hoarding. They must have nothing better to do. They have established numerical grades for clutter in the 100 homes, with 1 like your mother’s house, 10 like the city dump.

Judging by the models, Cobb Manor would come in at a number three. Good thing. A number four or higher “may be eligible for hoarding studies or treatment.”

Most of us hoarders (slobs) tend to function fairly normally out in the world, said sociologist Gail Steketee, author of “Buried in Treasures.”

“They may have some depression, some anxiety but mostly they are attached to things in ways that make it very difficult to get rid of them,” she said. Those who hoard often experience active pleasure as they acquire or pile up their possessions, she said.

See, I am a little depressed, a little anxious, looking for a little pleasure. Is that a bad thing?

The college hoarding study includes treatment for better decision making, sorting and organizing and provides supervised sessions at decluttering.

I would suggest they save their money. Just send me a housekeeper. Like Big Pete.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.