Those wacky knuckleheads at the Legislature! How do they get any work done with all their kidding and having fun? I have to confess, I almost couldn’t catch my breath when I read Mal Leary’s article about fun-loving Sen. John Martin demanding freedom of access from the Maine School Management Association, Maine School Superintendents Association, the Maine School Board Association, the Maine Education Association and the Maine Municipal Association.

Seems the assistant Senate majority leader (they do love titles in Augusta) just couldn’t help himself and decided to have a little fun with the folks who will administer changes in the current school districting formula. Seems representatives of these agencies commented during the process. Mal Leary quoted Sen. Martin, “They are acting in their own self-interest, not what is best for the people.”

Duhh! Lobbyists! Man, Senator, you crack me up!

My sides hurt right now just thinking about it. What’s next? Whoopee cushions on the House seats? Maybe they already have those fun hand buzzers and we ordinary folk don’t know about it because they only use them on each other! I do get a kick out of the thought of those guys jolting each other awake just in time for a vote on the Senate floor.

I called different folks Monday afternoon, the deadline for the FOA filing, and got to chat with Chris Lockwood, executive director of the Maine Municipal Association, hoping to share a laugh about this great joke Sen. Martin was playing. You can imagine my surprise when I learned that Mr. Lockwood was applying the finishing touches to the documents in time for the deadline.

Can you believe it? Can’t Mr. Lockwood see the irony here? I like to apply superlatives sparingly – but really, why the fuss – it seems to me that Sen. Martin is one of the best friends a lobbyist has in Augusta.

Mr. Lockwood continued answering my questions as I struggled to take notes. I was still reeling from his inability to see that Sen. Martin had to be joking, to see that this was just the senator’s public hand buzzer going off in his palm. Mr. Lockwood explained that he had long been invested in the consolidation discussion and that he and Senate President Beth Edmonds had actually crafted LD 804 (an act which would address school redistricting “from the ground up not the top down”) even before the governor had launched his plan.

Mr. Lockwood also described the role government organizations, including the National Governors Association and the National Association of State Legislatures, play in lobbying other governing bodies.

I know, I know, I was thinking it too, and I would’ve responded, but I could hardly breathe. That Sen. Martin, what a riot! And it’s not just funny because he as a legislator is technically represented by the National Association of State Legislatures. And not just because he chaired the Blue Ribbon Commission on Solid Waste even though he has a PAC that takes contributions from companies bringing out of state waste into Maine.

No, what really made me laugh was the quote I was looking at while speaking to Mr. Lockwood: “‘For example, the superintendents association has had an attorney here for probably 15 hours a day and working literally on weekends as well at the rate of $500 an hour, plus expenses,’ Martin said.”

How funny is that? Man, that guy’s making more in an hour than Sen. Martin averages per week working as a legislator, just to talk to him. And the hold-your-sides, can’t-take-it-any-more punch line: This is the first time Sen. Martin has ever complained.

Now I love a good laugh. But I’m really losing my sense of humor when it comes to career politicians, sanctimoniously raising suspicions about others while they themselves work closely with their own pet lobbyists and special interests. Why are there so many lobbyists registered with the state, all making so much more than our representatives just to talk to them, have lunch with them, sit in work sessions with them? ‘Cause the companies that hire them know that their investments pay off!

Pat LaMarche, a former Green candidate for governor and for vice president, can be contacted at PatLaMarche@hotmail.com.