When I met my husband, I couldn’t boil water. Friends would shudder when I invited them over to “dinner,” which usually meant boxed mac ‘n’ cheese and beer. My minuscule apartment was a disaster – I had a futon mattress, folded up like a taco shell on my floor, which I used as a couch. I called it the fouch.

It was a true bachelorette pad.

Fast-forward nine years. My hubby and I still joke that I’m domestically disabled, but things are looking up. I have not one, but two, real couches now. The dinners I cook fall into two categories: glorious or passable. And while I’m no Martha Stewart, I’m no longer the female equivalent of Bluto Blutarsky.

In fact, a couple of weeks ago, my friend Anne gave me a magnet she had found at Marden’s that says, “My garden kicks ass.” And it does. So much so that I have green beans – haricots verts, if you will – coming out my ears. We’ve been picking 2 pints of giant raspberries every other day. And the cukes are out of control.

Clearly, I’m in a pickle.

For years, I’ve dreamed of making dilly beans and fresh cucumber pickles, raspberry jam and pickled beets. I imagined devising recipes that would give the Stonewall Kitchen guys a run for their money. The only problem was, I had no idea how to can my produce. And, given my culinary history, I feared I’d inadvertently poison my friends and family.

Then last fall, I made my first batch of pickled beets. They tasted so good; I could hardly believe they came from my kitchen. Soon visions of relish trays danced in my head. You could say I developed a “can-do” attitude. But unlike the children’s storybook character the Little Engine That Could, “I think I can” doesn’t necessarily equal “I can can.” And I’m not talking dancing here.

A lot can go wrong with canning – botulism, anyone? – so it’s best to check with the experts. I surfed the Internet, found a few great recipes and called the University of Maine Cooperative Extension, just to be safe. Louise Kirkland, a food safety educator for Penobscot County, set me straight.

There I was, thinking I’d be all set with my self-sealing jars of beans and beets. No such luck.

“That is not OK,” Kirkland said. “We recommend all food be processed.”

For acidic foods, such as tomatoes, salsas, pickles and jams, a boiling water bath is recommended. For low-acid foods, such as corn, meats, carrots and nonpickled green beans, you’ll need a pressure canner. For pickles, store-bought vinegar with 5 percent acidity is the way to go.

Your veggies and fruits should be free of bruises, mold or spots – quality ingredients mean quality canned goods.

And those bread-and-butter pickles that your great-grandmother made? They may be the best thing since sliced cucumbers, but Kirkland recommends ditching the old recipes in favor of something more current.

“It’s best to connect with the Cooperative Extension or the U.S.D.A.,” she said.

Updated recipes are available by calling your county Extension office, visiting the National Center for Food Preservation Web site or buying a cookbook such as the Ball Blue Book of Preserving (see sidebar for a complete list of resources).

Old-fashioned glass jars with rubber rings and wire-bale closures may be pretty to look at, but it’s best to use modern canning jars with metal lids and screw bands. Oh, and the screw bands should be removed for storage, Kirkland says, because they trap moisture, which could lead to rust, which could in turn lead to spoilage.

And speaking of spoilage, what happens if those carrots you put up in August seem a little funky when you open them in February?

“When in doubt, throw it out,” Kirkland said.

Because spoiled food is way worse than boxed mac ‘n’ cheese on the fouch – no matter what my friends may tell you.

Dilly Beans

6 cups water

1 cup pickling salt

6 cups vinegar (either cider or white OK)

8 heads fresh dill

4 pounds green beans, washed and trimmed

4 garlic cloves

1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper, or to taste (optional)

4 quart jars

Prepare jars for canning (see tips).

Pack green beans in prepared jars. When jars are half-full, add 1 clove garlic, 2 heads dill, and cayenne to taste. Continue packing beans in until jars are full.

Bring water, salt and vinegar to a boil. Ladle into jars. Seal jars and process 10 minutes in a boiling water bath. Store up to one year.

Quick Fresh-Pack Dill Pickles

Adapted from National Center for Home Food Preservation

8 pounds 3- to 5-inch pickling cucumbers

2 gallons water

1 1/4 cups canning or pickling salt

1 1/2 quarts vinegar (5 percent acidity)

1/4 cup sugar

2 quarts water

2 tablespoons whole mixed pickling spice

3 tablespoons whole mustard seed (1 to 2 teaspoons per pint jar)

About 14 heads of fresh dill (11/2 to 3 heads per pint jar) or 41/2 tablespoons dill seed (11/2 teaspoon to 1 tablespoon per pint jar)

7 to 9 pint jars

Wash cucumbers. Cut 1/16 inch off blossom end and discard, but leave 1/4 inch of stem attached. Dissolve 3/4 cup salt in 2 gallons water. Pour over cucumbers and let stand 12 hours. Drain.

Combine vinegar, 1/2 cup salt, sugar and 2 quarts water. Add mixed pickling spices tied in a clean white cloth or cheesecloth. Heat to boiling.

Fill jars with cucumbers. Add mustard seed and fresh dill heads to each pint jar. Cover with boiling pickling solution, leaving 1/2-inch of headspace. Adjust lids and process in a boiling water bath for 10 minutes. Store up to one year.

Pickled Beets

Adapted from Gourmet on Epicurious.com

Note: This recipe should not be canned. It will keep for up to a month in the refrigerator.

1 cup cider vinegar

1/2 cup water

1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

1/2 cup sugar

1/8 teaspoon pickling spice

1/4 teaspoon mustard seeds

1/4 onion, halved

1 small bay leaf

3/4 teaspoon whole black peppercorns

1/4 bunch fresh dill

1 garlic clove

1 pound beets (about 3 large), without tops

Scrub beets and cook in boiling water until tender, about 1 hour. Drain, cool and remove skins. Slice beets and set aside.

Bring all other ingredients to a boil in a medium saucepan, stirring until sugar is dissolved. Cover and simmer 30 minutes. Remove from heat and remove bay leaf. Place beets in an airtight container – a canning jar will do, but don’t process it, as this is not a true canning recipe – and pour marinade over. Marinate at least 24 hours before serving.

Resources

. Louise Kirkland of the University of Maine Cooperative Extension will hold a canning workshop from 5:30 to 10 p.m. Tuesday, Sept. 4, at Hitchner Hall on the University of Maine campus in Orono. The class costs $12 per person. Registration is required by calling 942-7396 or 1-800-287-1485.

. Recipes, free pressure canner calibration, and tips are available from your local Cooperative Extension office; it’s better to call before you start canning:

Aroostook County, Lisa Fishman, 1-800-287-1421

Hancock County, Joyce Kleffner, 1-800-287-1479

Penobscot County, Louise Kirkland, 1-800-287-1485

Piscataquis County, Jane Conroy, 1-800-924-7487

Washington County, Deb Eckart, 1-800-924-7516

. The National Center for Home Food Preservation, www.uga.edu/nchfp

. The University of Maine Cooperative Extension offers an online publication with canning guidelines at www.umext.maine.edu/onlinepubs/htmpubs/4277.htm. Also visit www.umaine.edu/umcepenobscot/nutipreserve.asp

. Martha Stewart’s Web site has several easy, tasty pickling recipes. Visit www.marthastewart.com.

. Jarden Home Brands owns the Ball jar trademark now. Visit www.homecanning.com for recipes and information.

Can-dos – and don’ts

Source: University of Maine Cooperative Extension

. Do use a pressure canner for low-acid vegetables.

. Do use a boiling-water bath for acidic vegetables, pickles and jams – bath time will vary depending on recipe.

. Don’t feel like you have to buy a canning kit – a large kettle that allows you to cover your jars in 1 inch of water will be fine.

. Do use a wire rack in a boiling-water canner, because canning jars could crack if they touch the bottom of the pot.

. Do calibrate your dial-gauge pressure canner annually. The Cooperative Extension will do it for free, but you need to call for an appointment.

. Do use high-quality vegetables and fruit.

. Don’t think you can do without the boiling-water bath.

. Do sterilize jars in simmering water before canning.

. Do replace your lids every year.

. Don’t worry about replacing screw bands every year.

. Do remove screw bands for storage.

. Don’t use homemade vinegars for canned pickles – 5 percent acidity is the minimum.

. Don’t use rusty lids or screw bands.

. Do use current recipes.

. Do either reprocess, store in refrigerator or serve canned food that doesn’t seal the first time around.

. Do leave jars on the counter for 24 hours before storing to ensure they’ve sealed properly.

. Don’t use glass jars with wire bales and rubber rings.