Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year, begins this year on the evening of Sept. 12. Ten days later is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement (at-one-ment), the holiest day of the year. This 10-day period is referred to as “aseret yemay teshuvah,” the 10 days of returning or atoning. We are, during this period, trying to return to our better selves and trying to atone for our wrongdoings.

Forgiveness is central to returning and atoning. Both asking for forgiveness and being forgiving to others are critical in order to begin anew with a clean slate. Yet, asking for forgiveness is a most difficult exercise. Our ego prevents most of us from easily acknowledging that we offended someone. “Who, me? I did something wrong?” And that is just what the Ten Days of Returning attempts to help us with – ego reduction. While many of the High Holy Day prayers acknowledge that we human beings are special and unique, many prayers also remind us of how small we are and that we all will die and return to the dust from which we came. So, even our prayers reinforce this practice of ego reduction in order to assist us in our ability to ask for forgiveness as well as to be forgiving.

In our Talmud (Rabbinic writings and commentaries), our sages wrote (about 2,200 years ago), “If one says, ‘I will sin and repent, sin and repent,’ there will be no repentance. ‘I will sin and Yom Kippur will accomplish atonement,’ then Yom Kippur will accomplish no atonement. For transgressions between a person and God, Yom Kippur accomplishes atonement, but for transgressions between two people, Yom Kippur accomplishes atonement only if the offender has appeased the offended person.”

This paragraph indicates that atonement only is accomplished if there is change. We must change in order to truly “return” to our better selves. And, this paragraph indicates a seminal idea within Jewish tradition – that atonement and forgiveness can only be achieved by asking the person we offended for forgiveness. There is no intermediary in Judaism – not a Rabbi and not even God. We must seek forgiveness directly from the one we offended.

In his book, “Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life,” Rabbi Irwin Kula writes: “Our most loving relationships are those in which we say ‘sorry’ continuously. Forgiveness is central to the workings of love. If we’re not seeking and receiving, being asked for and granting forgiveness on a regular basis, it’s most likely that our relationship is not as intimate, dynamic, or alive as we think it is. And it’s likely that we’re holding in plenty of bitterness, resentment, guilt and shame.”

It is never easy confronting a person directly and honestly. It is difficult interacting with another person, especially if we have something important to say. It is hard to say, “I am sorry.” It is hard to confront someone with kindness about a concern or a conflict.

In Jewish tradition, there are three kinds of forgiveness. Kula writes, “Selicha is a forgiveness born of a heartfelt empathy for the transgressor, and an ability to see the widest possible context, even the positive outcome of the conflict. Mechilla is a kind of pardon, like a relinquishing of a claim or debt. And, kappara is a forgiveness that wipes the slate clean; it’s feeling whole again.”

Every year before Yom Kippur, we are charged to speak with those close to us and ask, “Is there anything over the last year that I did to hurt or offend you. If so, I am sorry.”

As we fast on Yom Kippur for the entire day, we hope to reduce our ego, thereby making ourselves more receptive to new realities. How can I be a kinder person? How can I be more giving, more forgiving, and more open to seeing my own errors and offenses?

Our own mistakes and the mistakes that others have done to us need not become shadows on our lives. Through forgiveness and forgiving, we can move on to living full and open lives. Wholeness and brokenness share a sacred place. They balance each other as we live a full life. The Chasidic master, Menachem Mendel of Kotzk taught, “Nothing is as whole as a broken heart.”

Shannah tova – wishes for a good and whole year!

Rabbi Barry Krieger is the rabbinic facilitator for the Hillel organization at the University of Maine in Orono. He may be reached via bkrieger56@aol.com. Voices is a weekly commentary by Maine people who explore issues affecting spirituality and religious life.