Spruce Run: Knowledge battles abuse Domestic violence targeted

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BANGOR – For 30 years Mary Jo Smith (not her real name) stood by her man.

She did it for the sake of her three children.

Smith said Wednesday that her former husband physically harmed her, but the hidden scars from the emotional abuse she endured for three decades are things that may never heal.

Because he threatened to take the children, she suffered through his verbal abuse and intimidation – a prisoner in her own home – until the children grew into adults and she was finally able to reach out for help.

When she was ready, she called the Spruce Run hot line, the domestic violence project serving Penobscot County.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and Spruce Run agency officials and Smith, who asked not to be identified by her real name to protect herself, are saying education – for victims, friends, family, co-workers and even abusers – is the key to stopping the violence.

“Knowing the patterns of abuse … is the only way to interrupt the cycle,” Smith said.

Education is a tool that can empower victims and the people who love them, Francine Stark, training coordinator for Spruce Run, said Tuesday.

“A lot of the calls we get are from family members or co-workers who are really worried about a loved one,” she said. “All of the materials we distribute are intended to help those directly affected by domestic violence and those who care about them.”

Spruce Run and the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence are distributing books to public and school libraries across the state that are geared to educating readers of all ages about the issues that surround domestic violence.

“In a few locations we actually go in and do readings,” Stark said.

In the last month, Spruce Run also has sponsored educational programs at the University of Maine in Orono and Penobscot County Job Corps in Bangor and held classes at some local businesses to help employers identify the signs of abuse.

“I helped them to develop a policy to address domestic violence in the workplace for victims and perpetrators,” Stark said, and then “trained responders on how to work in that framework.”

An abused person typically tries to hide the signs of physical abuse, which may include unexplained bruises, black eyes, sprains or hidden injuries, the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence Web Site states. Emotional abuse and physical abuse may make them seem anxious or jumpy or maybe depressed or fearful.

In many cases, the abusers use power and control techniques to separate the victim from friends or family and oftentimes try to blame the victim by shifting the responsibility for the behavior onto them.

In the workplace, employers and co-workers may notice phone arguments, frequent missed work, tardiness and sick days or a decrease in work quality.

Stark suggested when these items are recognized by co-workers or employers, the best thing to do is look for an opportunity where they can speak to that co-worker privately.

“And simply say to the co-worker what you have seen and ask them: ‘Is there some way I can help,'” she said. “What you’ve done is you’ve let them know you are a concerned person.”

Listening can be one of the best ways to help, she said. Once it’s determined that abuse is happening, contacting Spruce Run should be the next step because the agency has the resources to help.

“That’s why we’re here,” Stark said.

In addition to the 24-hour hot line, Spruce Run provides a variety of services including an emergency shelter and transitional housing, support and education groups and children’s services.

Smith, a 53-year-old Bangor resident, stayed at the emergency shelter and is currently living in transitional housing while attending school to become a social worker.

“The first time I wanted to leave the relationship was when my two children were babies,” Smith said. “One was 18 months and the other was six months old.”

She sought paralegal advice and that person told her that since her husband was the sole breadwinner, there was a likelihood that she would lose custody of her children if she left him.

“That made me make the decision to stay in the relationship,” she said. “I stayed in the relationship so I could protect my children.” Back then resources for victims of domestic violence were not as prevalent as they are today.

The couple went on to have another child, and the emotional abuse continued.

Now that she is free from the domestic violence abuse, Smith said she feels free for the first time in decades.

“I’m on the other side, and I can see some opportunity coming my way,” she said.