Abuse at home? Help is close at hand

“Mommy, I don’t like to hear daddy yell at you every night as I go to sleep in my bed. Why don’t you ever say anything?”

It took me time to realize that my relationship with my husband was a little different from others around me. He did not let me go out with friends. On the rare occasion I left, I would “pay” when I got home. He watched, questioned and determined where I went. He would quiz me when I returned. He was able to buy the things he wanted, but money was tight when it came to items for me. No, he didn’t physically punish me, but the verbal abuse was worse. He would punch the walls and throw things … and then there were the threats.

How could I explain to my 7-year-old that we didn’t start out this way? How could I explain that this is not how I had imagined my life? How could I explain all this after I read her some of her favorite fairy tales, where the prince is so in love with the princess?

Something needed to change. I was scared in my own home. I knew I needed help, but did not know from where or how. I was sure they would all laugh at me for getting myself into this awful situation, then involving children in it made it even more difficult to reach out for help. I was supposed to be smarter than this. I had a college degree; he was a leader in the community.

Some may ask, how did I get help? I turned to a local domestic violence resource. I was shocked to find the volunteers and staff believed me. They gave me options, advice, but most of all they believed me.

My life depended on the hot lines and the support groups, which were managed and run by staff and volunteers who were caring individuals. My children watched how their dad treated me. This was not the image that I wanted to replace the fairy tales. Most of us have learned, we hope, that there isn’t always a fairy tale ending in life, but this does not mean that a family should experience violence.

There are many community members who volunteer by working with people experiencing abuse. I am thankful to these people who advocate for children and families by answering hotlines, facilitating children’s group or providing pro bono legal services. Some prefer to do behind the scenes office work like providing technological expertise. Others help battered women as part of their jobs.

For instance, they work to change laws, provide housing or ensure that domestic violence organizations and law enforcement organizations have a good working relationship. While others make financial contributions to pay for crucial projects. Working together, this “community” helped me see how I could make some changes to dramatically improve my situation.

And who am I? I am as common as your friend, your neighbor, and the person in line behind you in the grocery store. Be aware – domestic violence is real. It hurts and it happens regardless of age, gender and economic status. To the staff and volunteers who helped me and to those who remain unknown but work toward ending domestic violence, I am appreciative, more than you will ever know.

For information about the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence and its member projects and services please check out www.mced.org or if you need help, or just someone to talk to call 1-866-834-HELP.

Liz Dean is a volunteer for the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence.