Whittling wish list to Santa’s budget

Hello, Santa,

I am calling to tell you that I have all the socks and ties that I need – for the rest of my life. I am a Christmas baby and I want something I really want – and need. I know I have been naughty sometimes this year. But mostly I have been nice.

When I get particularly greedy, I always open the sacred pages of my Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, which arrives in my post office box with regularity. It makes L.L. Bean publications wilt by comparison.

HS, you’ll remember, Santa, is that 159-year-old company on East 57th Street in New York “offering the best, the only and the unexpected” with each and every item “unconditionally guaranteed for life.”

HS also has a cover item this week: a two-person, three-wheel scooter coupe that can actually go 30 mph with its 50cc air-cooled engine. With a 1.5-gallon tank, this baby can travel 100 miles without refueling, much better than my hulking Toyota Tundra, which can’t make it past Fowlie’s Overpriced Emporium without a $45 fill-up.

It has lights and even turn signals and only costs $5,999.95. I know that price is twice what I bought my used Mazda 626 for, but think of the gasoline savings, Santa. Think of global warming. Think of Al Gore.

All right, that may be a bit much.

As you know, Santa, I have serious fetish problems with knives and flashlights. I plan to end my knife fetish once and for all with “the only complete Swiss Army knife.” You know how every Swiss Army (do they really have one?) knife has different and exotic attachments? Well, this one has them all.

Pay attention.

This baby has no less than 87 (honest to God) tools which incite 112 functions. That stainless-steel masterpiece is assembled by two demented cutlery specialists in Delemont, Switzerland. It has seven blades, three pliers, three golf tools, 25 flat and Phillips head screwdrivers, saws, wrenches, bicycle chain riveter, signal whistle and shotgun choke tube tool.

(Now, you know how often I will use that on my grouse hunts in Alabama.) It has some other stuff, like a fish scaler, hook disgorger, tire tread gauge – well, you get the picture.

Look, you get me this and I won’t even bother you next year. I promise. The price? Well, it is $1,199.95 but I think you would get free shipping, being Santa and all.

Still too much?

But here is something I really need: the 14 mph cooler. This is a cooler on a three-wheel assembly with a 500-watt motor. The cooler can accommodate 24 adult beverages and eight pounds of ice, which will make for a very pleasant round at the Megunticook Golf Club, Santa. It has chain drive, disc brakes and variable throttle control. Naturally, there is a cup holder between the driver’s knees, for those long drives between holes. The cup holder opens into the cooler to allow access at high speed.

Only $499.95. Still too much? I haven’t been that bad.

Here is something more reasonable. In keeping with the snooping associated with Homeland Security, I could use the imitation, remote-control AWACS model plane with a detachable digital camera “that takes still photos from hundreds of feet above the ground, allowing you to reconnoiter your area.”

The photos can be downloaded to my computer, Santa, and I can tell George and Dick what is going on in the Cobb Road area. There are some suspicious people living here with Obama bumper stickers and aerial surveillance might be a good idea, Santa. Only $199.95.

Too much? You are getting awful cheap this year, Santa.

I spend most of my day doing crossword puzzles. What about the “world’s largest crossword?” This is a 7-foot-by-7-foot monster with 28,000 clues, a 100-page clue book and 91,000 squares. That ought to keep me out of trouble all winter, Santa.

Only $29.95.

No? How about the $24.95 marshmallow shooter? The “best nose-hair trimmer” for $24.95?

Come on, Santa. I haven’t been that naughty. I am getting too tired to do very much, you know.

I just think about it now.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.