Holy Ho Ho: Christmas season aswirl in questions of credibility

Christmas is a special time of year when we honor two people whose existences are subjects of great debate.

Jesus Christ and Santa Claus.

To be more specific, the arguments against the biblical Jesus are many and inconsistent. Many say he never existed. Some state he did, but was just a mere man. Others contend that he grew up, professed to be God, then got married (an action that would surely cause one to doubt their own deity).

IMAGINARY JESUS WIFE: Well, if you’re God, then pick these underwear up off the floor! And is it too much to ask for you to refill the ice cube tray?

Books and movies and movies about books and speeches about movies about books and newspaper articles about controversies sparked by speeches about movies about books investigating the life of Jesus have been too many for this lazy writer to count (more than 10).

In contrast, Santa gets off the hook relatively easy. The most contentious Santa controversies revolve around how fat he might have been, the physics and sewer management issues regarding flying reindeer and the logistical problems of an overweight man trespassing on private property by forcing himself down a fireplace exhaust.

It is reasonable to suggest the reason the Santa story is more widely and gladly accepted is because he does not demand anything from others. Sure, he asks you if you’ve been naughty or nice, but probably only because the lyrics of the song “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” says he will. If you ever look him directly in the eyes when he asks, you can tell he really doesn’t give a crap.

It’s like when you give blood and they ask if you if you’ve ever had a romantic relationship with a gorilla. They don’t really need to know that. They just suffer from being cooped up in a bloodmobile all day and have a perverted sense of what should pass for entertainment.

Santa will probably one day amend the song and move to a more liberal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

Santa Claus rarely tells people they will go to hell if they do not believe in him. In fairness, Jesus does not quite phrase it that way either. He sums it up by asserting that everyone who has ever been born is like a factory second compared to God and deserves hell and that he just came to do his thing so they’d have a choice, which is kind of a no-brainer as decisions go.

And the suggestion that all people are worthy of hell is no surprise to anyone who has ever driven in rush-hour traffic.

Still, it’s pretty complicated for some. Sure, if he’s right, they might go to hell. But these people are still quite imaginative. There are a host of other factors that they consider:

1. “Maybe hell is not as bad as I’ve been led to believe. Maybe it’s less pain and torture and just more annoying, like the Department of Motor Vehicles or the line for the Tilt-A-Whirl at the state fair.”

2. “I know some people that probably went to hell, and it would sure be nice to see them again.”

3. “Maybe Jesus was joking. Sure, hell jokes are a tough gag, but humor is sometimes lost in its reading (see this article). Maybe you “had to be there.”

Whatever their reasons, many people do not believe in the biblical Jesus, which is their right. He drew some pretty clear lines in the sand, unlike the ultraliberal Santa, who makes Ralph Nader look like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Regardless of how you spend this Christmas, it’s important to at least understand the decision that is before us. Do you take kindly to a man who claims to be God and offers you protection from harm and from your own destructive tendencies, like a loving parent?

Or do you revere a man who shows up only once per year to give you a few presents, like a deadbeat dad?

And that’s not even considering why anyone would accept, request or even demand figgy pudding. Without knowing much about it, I believe I would immediately turn away any pudding that appeared to be figgy. And it doesn’t end with pudding either. You can keep any figgy mayonnaise, cottage cheese and hot dogs, too.

But that’s a subject for another piece altogether. Please stay tuned.