When your holidays don’t seem so merry

If you celebrate a holiday this time of year, and if to the best of your knowledge this holiday season will mean more joy than sorrow, you may want to skip ahead to another story.

Or, if you are one of those people struggling with the normal holiday stress of last-minute rushing around, but you know that in the end everything will be worth it, you might find this a little depressing. It’s fine to just gloss over the rest.

However, sometimes the holiday season falls at a time when we don’t feel much like celebrating. The reasons for this may be obvious: The first holiday without a loved one who has passed away during the last year; a family trying to cope with a divorce or separation, where getting everyone together is out of the question; people separated by distance, military service or illness; people separated by conflicts, anger or hard feelings.

At my first full-time job as a psychologist, I remember working the day before and the day after Christmas. As the person with least seniority, I had the short straw when it came to scheduling.

The day before Christmas a woman was admitted to our day treatment program to get help with severe depression. She had a lot going for her – a good job, fairly decent upbringing, supportive friends. But she was feeling pretty miserable. I talked with her for a while, told her we were closed the next day, brought her into group therapy and hurried off to finish up my work.

The day after Christmas, she came into my office somewhere between despondent and really, really angry. Her Christmas day had been painfully lonely. She talked about her experience of two days ago. She felt that I had been only “half there.”

While she knew that there was little hope for turning her depression around in a day, she had simply needed someone to listen and understand what it was like for her as she looked ahead to the next few days. She didn’t really expect solutions, but she did hope I might be able to see how the world looked from her eyes. If she had been giving me a grade, I don’t think I would have received much better than a C-minus.

There are many ways to reach out to people who are struggling during the holidays. We may invite them to share time with our friends and family, or be understanding if they choose to spend time alone. Helping someone find new traditions when the old ones are no longer an option can lay the foundation for a brighter future.

Ironically, even when people are feeling down, they often find that giving their time and talents to others may be good medicine. It almost never fails that helping someone else makes you feel better.

Sometimes the most helpful – and the most difficult – way to support people whose holiday season is marked by grief or hardship is simply to listen to what they want to say. Or, if talking is difficult, just be with them even if neither of you is having a great time.

Sadness usually will work itself out if allowed to run its course. Having someone there with you during the journey usually speeds up the trip. Or at least, having a companion makes the journey more bearable.

If you find yourself in a difficult place this holiday season and feel you need professional support, dial 211 to receive free and confidential information regarding available resources.

Psychologist David Prescott is director of psychology services and clinical research at The Acadia Hospital. He writes a monthly column as part of Acadia’s Because Your Mental Health Matters Campaign.