When illness hits home Old Town author offers guide on communicating with compassion

OLD TOWN – Many of us, for better or worse, will have the opportunity at least once in our lives to provide personal care and emotional support to someone we love who is ill. The experience is complex, demanding and, potentially, deeply rewarding.

Often, though, it is not enough to rely on our own intuition about what’s needed, what’s not, and how to handle the conflicts that invariably arise in such an intimate and emotionally loaded relationship.

That’s why Walter St. John of Old Town has written the useful volume “Solace: How to Relate, Listen and Respond Effectively to a Chronically Ill Person.” St. John, who is a retired professor of communications and not a medical professional, wrote the book after a lifetime of observing friends, family and colleagues struggle to respond appropriately to a loved one’s serious illness.

“When someone is ill, people feel uncomfortable,” he said in a recent interview. “They don’t know what to do, what to say, what to ask or not ask.” The result can be needlessly tragic, he noted, as in the case of a former neighbor who was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

“This was a man who was very social and tremendously popular,” St. John recalled. But because his friends and colleagues were uncertain how to respond, he and his immediate family were left to deal with the illness alone, he said.

This is not a book about dropping in to stash a casserole in the freezer, mow the lawn, run an errand or perform other much-appreciated practical tasks. This is a book about the long haul, about developing and maintaining the caregiving relationship, about meeting the emotional needs of a sick or dying person over a period of weeks or months, or longer, without burning out.

It’s about making the most of the available time.

“Solace” was written with input from nurses, social workers, clergy and others who care for the sick and dying. It is divided into 59 very brief sections, most only a page or two long and full of specific suggestions for improving communication between the sick person and the caregiver. This makes it easy to find relevant information quickly, without reading through the entire book. The writing is generally direct, practical and easy to understand.

In the section on dealing with anger, for example, St. John says, “A chronically ill person may understandably be short-tempered more than a well person – especially if he is feeling uncomfortable or is in pain. People are also more likely to behave in an aggressive manner when they are feeling discouraged, frustrated or frightened – as is often true of seriously ill people.”

This is a reminder not to take a display of anger as a personal attack, necessarily, but rather as a symptom of the illness and to respond with patience and compassion. It is followed by several specific suggestions, including this one:

“Hear the person out – let her say everything she wants to say without interrupting (if you try to interrupt or defend yourself while the person is still angry, you will make matters worse).”

And:

“Leave the room if the anger is excessive and you feel as though you are close to losing your self-control. You could simply state, ‘I’m sorry. I need to leave now but I will come back later.'”

Chapters on humor, silence, body language, apologies, repetitive conversation, spiritual matters and more are similarly constructed, with a brief discussion of the issue followed by practical recommendations.

The book falls a bit short on the need for caregivers to consider their own needs, although several chapters do touch briefly on defining emotional boundaries and keeping expectations realistic. The section on “Being Available,” for example, offers this:

“Although being present is crucial, you don’t need to feel at all guilty if you can’t always be there for the person or if you can’t always be in the right frame of mind to be receptive to what the individual is saying.”

Caregivers may want to look to other resources to make sure their own emotional and physical needs are met during this stressful period.

A copy of “Solace” will be a well-thumbed reference for many dedicated caregivers tending to the needs of a seriously ill family member or other loved one. It will also be useful to health care professionals and others who regularly spend time with sick people.

The book is available for $19.95 plus shipping from Trafford Publishing. Go to www.trafford.com or send an e-mail request to orders@trafford.com. Later this month, the book also will be available from the online store www.amazon.com.

mhaskell@bangordailynews.net

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