Hellbent foursome say ‘rock ‘n’ roll ain’t dead’

Attention, citizens. Be on the lookout for four unsavory, unreliable characters, who may be coming to your town in the near future. They claim to simply play punk rock, mixed with rockabilly, but by all accounts, they are hellbent on destruction.

The foursome goes by the name “The Outsiders.” They have been witnessed performing obscene acts of lewd, crude, uninhibited rock ‘n’ roll since 2002. You’ll recognize them by their pompadour haircuts, their blue jeans and their insolent rockabilly swagger. Call police immediately if you see them. Consider them armed and very, very dangerous.

“We started as a three piece. We were really into rockabilly, punk rock and surf,” said Elvirus, the purported ringleader of the gang, who has been quoted as saying. “We started out a lot more low-fi, kind of garage-y. Then Mike joined the band and gave it a really fuller, better sound. There’s a lot of musical inbreeding in Portland. Everyone plays together at some point.”

The members of the Outsiders are known mainly by their aliases. Gun Shot Drew Perez wields a bass guitar, and received his nomenclature by an unfortunate mishap involving his younger brother and a loaded pistol. Spray Vomit Mike is a guitarist, and is so-named because of an incident involving a cheese sandwich, several alcoholic beverages and a long car ride back to the group’s rumored home base of Portland. Red Steele enjoys hitting things with sticks, and got his name because of his distinctive red facial hair.

And then there’s Elvirus, who also plays guitar, and screams immoral garbage into a microphone. Under no circumstances should you trust anything this man says. He is a menace to society.

“Our little mantra is rock ‘n’ roll ain’t dead yet,” Elvirus has been quoted as saying. “You turn on any commercial radio station, and you’d believe otherwise. Everything is so safe and prepackaged. That’s not the way rock ‘n’ roll is meant to be. We try to keep it in your face. We put it all into our shows. They get pretty wild.”

The Outsiders may be arriving in eastern Maine this Sunday, with a rumored performance at the Kave in Bucksport Sunday, April 20. They may or may not be playing with other suspicious groups, such as the Koffin Kats, the Murder Weapon, Clinic Bomb, The Hand Me Downs, Controversy Strikes, I Walked With Giants, Full Contact Kitty and Rotundo Sealeg. This performance will allegedly last all day, starting at 2 p.m. and going all night. It’s even supposed to be open to all ages. Who knows what kinds of depraved tomfoolery will occur that day? Keep your children locked in their rooms.

“There are so many kids out there who don’t get into music, because they don’t get to see it live. There are less local shows now than there were even five years ago,” said Elvirus, in a recent interview with an anonymous, but undoubtedly morally bankrupt local journalist. “For a kid in a small town, getting to see a show can really change their life. That’s why we love to play all ages shows, like at the Kave, which is such a great venue.”

For the ever-vigilant citizens who wish to help eradicate the scourge of rock ‘n’ roll from our peaceful, God-fearing communities, there is an album of music recorded by the Outsiders called “Rock ‘n Roll Ain’t Dead,” available through the group’s MySpace page, www.myspace.com/theoutsiders, which you can listen and familiarize yourself with their brand of obscenity. There is also talk that a new album, titled “The Return of the Punkabilly Rebels,” has already been recorded, and will be let loose upon society in June or July.

Remember: the Outsiders want nothing more than to corrupt your kids, wreak havoc and spread their gospel of filthy, debaucherous rock ‘n’ roll. It may sound fun, but it will only lead you down the road to ruin. Rock ‘n’ roll IS noise pollution. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

The Outsiders may or may not be playing at a daylong rock show at the Kave in Bucksport, starting at 2 p.m. Sunday. The show may be $10, and open to all ages. Directions to the show are available at www.myspace.com/thekave. To report any suspicious behavior, e-mail Emily Burnham at eburnham@bangordailynews.net.