In the spring (finally, gratefully), an old man’s fancy turns to … avoiding labor, especially gardening and housecleaning.

Gardening and its associated labors should be confined to penal institutions. The buying, fertilizing, planting, weeding and watering of plants is just much too much work for the few vegetables it provides. Especially when the IGA is a short walk (an even shorter drive) away. That valuable time could be better spent on the Cobb Manor deck, staring at Mount Battie, listening to Red Sox games.

Each year, I plant a dozen tomato plants. It seems most are lost to the crows and (eek) slugs and various tomato diseases. Then, one day in September, you have 87 ripe tomatoes, all at once. You can pass off just so many until friends and co-workers cross the street to avoid you and your vegetables.

I like tomatoes as much as the next gourmand, but even I can only eat so many.

Along come our friends from my very favorite store, Hammacher Schlemmer, which advertises “the best, the only and the unexpected, for 160 years.”

H&S has solved the tomato problem with its “ingenious” upside-down tomato planter.

According to the bible-catalog, the idea is to elevate the planting bed so vines grow downward. “Hanging vines need almost no attention as tomatoes ripen in the air (not on the ground) where they won’t rot. Complementary plants such as basil, parsley, rosemary and peppers can be planted on top, which holds up to 80 pounds of topsoil. The compact planter can fit in any space with ample sunlight, even condominium balconies. ”

Thank God it requires no tools.

The price for this “ingenious” idea is $74.95, which might seem steep at first blush. But consider the hours spent weeding with black flies invading your eyes and nose. Consider the price of tomatoes at the IGA. I bought one onion and one tomato last week, for just under $5.

Of course, spring cleaning is avoided like the Ebola virus at Cobb Manor. I was amazed when my superduper Oreck vacuum quit after just a few years. Considering how often it was employed, it should have lasted a century, or until electricity wore out. Perhaps it was all that detritus on the rugs that clogged up the rollers and burned out the motor.

Each April or May, I actually look around at the accumulated layers of winter and consider vacuuming. Usually I go for a walk until the madness passes.

Once again, our boys at H&S have a solution.

The Roomba!

Listen. The Roomba is an automated vacuum that will do all the work while you sit on the deck staring at Mount Battie and listening to the Red Sox. You might have to turn up the radio a bit to drown out the humming noise.

A small price to pay.

The Roomba allows you to schedule cleaning times, then just walk away.

Listen.

“The vacuum navigates through a room autonomously while its efficient brushes rotate at 1,650 rpm, sweeping debris towards its built-in vacuum. A sensor redirects the unit before it encounters furniture or walls, and it has an enhanced anti-tangle technology that enables the Roomba to reverse the rotation of its brushes when it senses rug fringe.”

I am sold.

The robotic vacuum can clean up to four rooms per charge and automatically returns to its drive-on charger when its battery runs low. Returns to its charger? Did you see that?

Is this a great country or what? And only $399.95!

I know where my federal tax rebate is going.

When you see me on the Cobb Manor deck this summer, don’t think I am whiling away another day, doing nothing. I am gardening. And cleaning my house.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.