At an impasse? Communicate your perspective

Your teenage daughter wants to go out for a sleepover – with friends of both sexes. Your fiance won’t part with – or stop paying for repairs to – a boat he co-owns with his ex-wife. Your father, who has just been diagnosed with advanced emphysema, will not stop smoking.

You are convinced your daughter should not attend the co-ed sleepover. You’re certain your fiance should not keep that boat afloat. And you’re sure your father is killing himself. You’ve tried reasoning, pleading, anger and tears. But none of your loved ones will budge an inch. How can you make some progress on any of this?

The answer is to think like a mediator. “Realize it’s not the conflict that’s the problem; the problem is how you do it,” said Susanna Liller. As the owner of Susanna Liller Consulting LLC in Woolwich, she has mediated everything from heated disputes in the workplace, to neighbors’ worries over large construction projects, to problems between just two people.

Start by allowing each person to be heard and acknowledged as each explains his or her position and emotional needs. This entails what Liller calls “deep listening” or “really hearing the other person’s views without constructing arguments in your head.”

According to Liller, at the heart of most conflicts is fear that our most basic needs will not be met. The five basic human needs are for safety or survival, life necessities, belonging and love, respect and meaning, and the freedom to control one’s own destiny. As you listen, acknowledge these needs.

And while you’re at it, check your assumptions. “Instead of saying ‘No way!’ to your daughter, try saying, ‘I see you want to control your life and be a part of the group, but I am worried for your safety. Will your friend’s parents be supervising sleeping arrangements during the party?'”

Tell your fiance, “I know you’d like to decide when to sell the boat, but I’m worried that paying for more than your fair share of the repairs and checking in on the boat are keeping you connected to your ex. Are you counting on the repairs to speed the sale of the boat? Do you keep encountering your ex at the boatyard?”

Tell Dad, “I know you are in charge of your own decision about smoking but I get upset because I’m so afraid of losing you. Do you have a plan you haven’t mentioned for dealing with this?”

“Your acknowledgement of the other’s basic needs may make her or him more open to hearing your needs.” Liller said, “And very often, light is shed when you check your assumptions. If you go for greater understanding instead of the fighting mindset, the possibilities are simply so much greater. Even if you don’t get the answer you wish for, you have done some relationship building that will serve you well in future difficult conversations.”