Making plans to see ‘Speed Racer’? Not so fast

In theaters

SPEED RACER, written and directed by Andy Wachowski and Larry Wachowski, 135 minutes, rated PG.

The unbearable new Wachowski brothers movie, “Speed Racer,” forgot to bring the speed, forgot to bring the fun and forgot to remember that restraint, even in an action movie, can make individual scenes of action more exciting if there are moments of calm to set them off.

This empty, annoyingly overwrought movie roars with dizzying flashes of color, sound and light, but given the film’s bloated running time – 135 minutes! – its boring characters, dim script, junk performances and absolute lack of momentum, the movie’s engine doesn’t just stall. It catches fire and explodes, right in your face.

This film isn’t just a dog – it’s the whole dog pound. Ever been to a pachinko parlor? This movie is akin to that, especially if you spend your time there hammering your head against one of the machines. And even then you wouldn’t come close to realizing the chaos that’s achieved here.

The Wachowskis wrote the script from the popular 1960s “Speed Racer” cartoon series, itself a delicate concoction of corny throwaways wrapped around appealingly crude anime that existed best in the painted realm of another’s imagination.

The Wachowskis failed to bring the cartoon to life, but they did succeed in driving people out of my screening. That likely wasn’t the desired outcome, but that still was the case. Of note was one particularly fidgety child, who bolted from his seat midway through and made for the exit, with his father in hot pursuit. It’s tough to blame them. Given the restlessness of the crowd, some of us watched them move toward the light and the promise of escape it offered with a pang of envy.

About the movie: It stars Emile Hirsch in a major comedown after his terrific performance in one of last year’s best films, “Into the Wild.” Here, Hirsch is Speed, who has had racing in his blood since he was a child, when he idolized his older brother, Rex (Scott Porter), a champion driver who lost his life in a crooked competition that stained the sport.

Now, as a young adult, it’s Speed who’s in the driver’s seat, with his mother (Susan Sarandon), father (John Goodman), little brother (Paulie Litt) and the family’s pet chimpanzee all cheering him on from the sidelines. Joining them there is Speed’s romantic interest Trixie (Christina Ricci, wasted), but working to undo him is the evil Royalton (Roger Allam) who wants to crush Speed when he refuses to race for Royalton’s questionable corporation.

Also in the mix is the mysterious Racer X (Matthew Fox) and Korean singing sensation Rain as the Japanese racer Taejo, who join forces with Speed to bring the sport back to its glory days, which will mean trumping Royalton for good.

What unfolds is a muddled plot that should have matched the winding loops and curves of the tracks upon which Speed races. It doesn’t. This is a movie that’s so unimaginative when it comes to its story line and its underdeveloped characters, which are really what matter, that it tarts up the tedium with nightmarish, quick-cut editing and ongoing eruptions of color and bombast meant to distract us from the fact that there’s nothing here.

Too bad the Wachowskis failed to pull that off, too.

Grade: D-

On DVD

I’M NOT THERE, directed by Todd Haynes, written by Haynes and Oren Moverman, 135 minutes, rated R.

Last year was a good year for Cate Blanchett even if the movies in which she appeared weren’t very good themselves. The first film she lifted was “Elizabeth: The Golden Years,” and then came Todd Haynes’ bizarre biopic “I’m Not There,” each of which benefited enormously from her Academy Award-nominated performances.

Here, the actress co-stars as Jude, one of several characters meant to recall a fraction of the personality of the famously complicated musician Bob Dylan. She is an intriguing choice of casting, and the good news is that Blanchett pulls off the gender-bending just as seamlessly as you would expect.

Along with Dylan’s music, which is interlaced throughout, Blanchett is the best part of the movie. If you decide to see it, she’s the reason to see it. Unfortunately, the trouble with “I’m Not There” is that the movie itself isn’t there. None of it adds up. The movie is a gimmicky, frustrating bear that’s a struggle to sit through.

The film’s conceit is that it features six actors portraying different sides of Dylan’s persona at different points in the musician’s life.

Beyond Blanchett, who nails the singer’s cagey rhythms, those actors include a very good Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Richard Gere, Ben Whishaw and Marcus Carl Franklin, the latter of whom joins Blanchett in being the most unusual choice to play a version of Dylan since the actor is, after all, 13 years old and black.

While Haynes’ intent is obvious – he believes that Dylan is so difficult to peg, several actors, regardless of gender, age or race, could portray him – the follow-through doesn’t work. This fractured jumble of vignettes is so self-aware and dull, you wonder what’s the point of Haynes being experimental if his experiment doesn’t yield something that’s compelling or, at the very least, entertaining. Insight might have been a goal, but there’s no insight here. Instead, too much of the movie feels like a strained, artsy con.

Grade: C-

WeekinRewind.com is the site for Bangor Daily News film critic Christopher Smith’s blog, video podcasts, iTunes portal and archive of hundreds of movie reviews. Smith’s reviews appear Mondays, Fridays and weekends in Lifestyle, as well as on bangordailynews.com. He may be reached at christopher@weekinrewind.com.