You may have a list of things you want to do this summer, but as an emergency physician, I have a list of things I want you all not to do. No. 1, I want you not to be an idiot. You may want to be an idiot, you may have planned your summer around being an idiot, certainly I have been an idiot many times, but let’s all take a pass on idiocy this summer. Nothing personal, but you are not on my list of people I want to see between Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends, especially not in the emergency department. So post this on the refrigerator, and make every family member take the pledge not to do any of these – or any other – idiotic things this summer;

1. Thou shalt not use the nail gun, table saw, rototiller, riding mower, or any other home improvement devices other than the TV remote while under the influence of alcohol. Contrary to common belief, summer projects do not go better with beer. You cannot actually paint straighter, saw faster or mow better with alcohol on board, and if your buddy says you can, that’s just because he’s also an idiot. Among the things I do not need to see in the ED again this summer in order to have a good time at my work are any feet nailed to decking, thumbs sawed open or off, or crush injuries from that lawn tractor rolling over on you because you thought you were Jeff Gordon on your John Deere.

2. Thou shalt not pour combustible fluids (gasoline, kerosene, lighter fluid, charcoal starter fluid, Jack Daniels, etc.) on a burning pile of anything just because you want it to burn faster. Related, thou shalt not make a pile of everything you want to get rid of in the house and set it on fire in the yard, as some things explode when they burn (not that I would know from personal experience). Also related, thou shalt not burn things while you yourself are personally toasted, because mixing flames and alcohol is a recipe for early mortality. And if you forget all of this and manage to set yourself on fire, thou shalt stop, drop and roll.

3. Speaking of toasted, thou shalt not toast thyself in the summer sun. Nor as a parent shalt thou allow thy child to be toasted. Think of yourself as beef on the grill – when you are a little pink, you are cooked and done. Bad burns are a risk for melanoma, the deadliest form of skin cancer. Besides, lots of sun exposure without skin protection causes premature skin wrinkling (there is a reason raisins are dried in the sun, you know). Here is the new mantra: “Tan is ugly, tan is ugly!”

4. Thou shalt not ride thy motorcycle without a helmet, lest the bugs of summer stain thy teeth and thy brains be addled by a blow to the head. If you ride without a helmet, that rushing sound in your ears is the wind and me shouting, “You are being an idiot.” Yes, I know helmets are hot, it’s your right to ride without one, yada yada, but I do not want to see you in the ED this summer with your head dented in, your pupils blown, and your future up for grabs. I do not want to see you with blood leaking from your ears, spinal fluid leaking from your nose and unresponsive to your family. If you will not wear one for you, wear one for the rest of us.

5. Thou shalt not put sheets to the wind while you are three sheets to the wind, meaning no boating while drunk. Related, all crewmembers of a drunken captain are hereby ordered to mutiny, tie the captain to the mast for the duration of the voyage and take command. On the boat for all to see will be a sign that says, “One half of all boating deaths are related to alcohol, which is why Davy Jones loves a drunken sailor but no one else does.”

6. Speaking of boating, thou shalt have one life preserver for each soul on board, and children and others who are not strong swimmers shall all wear them for the duration of the voyage. Otherwise, that slapping sound the waves make hitting the bow of the boat is me and the water saying repeatedly, “The captain is an idiot.” I do not want to see any drowning victims in my ED this summer, staring at me cold and lifeless for want of a stupid life jacket.

7. Finally, thou shalt ask thyself frequently, “Would Dr. Steele or my mother think I am being an idiot if they saw me doing this?” and stop doing it if the answer is even probably “Yes.”

Be safe, make it a great summer with great memories, and I hope I don’t see you.

Erik Steele, D.O., a physician in Bangor, is chief medical officer of Eastern Maine Healthcare Systems and is on the staff of several hospital emergency rooms in the region.