Adopt strategies for quelling separation anxiety

It can be a challenge for any child to get used to mom or dad being away from home. This may be magnified when this is a new experience. A parent’s absence can also be the occasion for significant stress if the child is more anxious than most, or if the youngster has ever experienced abandonment.

That’s why the thoughtful parent will wish to do the best possible job of preparing a child for the separation. But sometimes too much preparation can be a problem, too, notes Chris Banks, LICSW, of Rockland. While Banks treats a broad range of people, she is known locally as particularly skilled at working with children and adults who have faced trauma or neglect or who are adapting to family life after adoption.

“Remember, your own anxiety can make the child anxious,” Banks said, “since it may give the sense that there is something to worry about. It may also be anxiety-producing for the child to keep hearing about the separation in advance of the occasion,” Banks added. Beyond that, “it can hurt a child’s self-esteem if you seem to be saying you doubt they can manage this.”

This may sound sensible, but when a parent knows his or her child is likely to be worried about a separation, it is easy to err on the side of preparing the youngster early, frequently, and in the most reassuring tone one can muster. How do you know how soon and how often to mention the impending separation? And how can you instill reassurance without sounding so overearnest that your tone worries your child?

Banks said to think about the child’s age and general anxiety level in evaluating how soon to deliver the news. Wait until closer to the date when the child is very young or generally anxious. Be sure to acknowledge any fears that are expressed while instilling confidence, too. “Say, ‘I know you’re worried but I also know you will be fine and I know you can handle this,’ ” Banks advised.

Make sure to say you will miss the child, and then focus on the many things that can be done to ensure you have contact while away. Plan on a time to talk or read a bedtime story on the phone, and promise regular e-mails. Leave a note and thoughtful rather than expensive treats for the child to find at home while you are gone. And be sure to prepare for the unexpected, promising an e-mail or another means of contact if circumstances prevent you from phoning at a particular time. The secrets to quelling separation anxiety are to ” emphasize connection and exude confidence,” Banks advised.