Difficult news? Be honest with kids

After Sen. Edward Kennedy’s recent diagnosis of brain cancer, the senator and his family proceeded, in true Kennedy fashion, in setting an example of brave stoicism. While we may admire that evident strength, we may also wonder how we would deal with grave news if it were to strike our own families. In particular we might wonder how we would deliver difficult news to the children we love. Those of us who do have cancer patients in our own households might also wonder how the barrage of news about Kennedy’s inoperable brain cancer is affecting our children.

According to Dale Marie Clark, executive director of Hospice Volunteers of the Waterville Area and founder of Camp Ray of Hope, a statewide program for grieving families, “the constant barrage of tragedy affects children.”

Children may think Kennedy’s grim prognosis is true of all cancer patients and worry that the cancer patient in their own family will die. Young children might even harbor the fear that something they said or did caused their loved one to become sick.

That’s why it’s so important to monitor young children’s exposure to tragic news in the media. It’s also important to check in with youngsters to see what they understand of the news they have seen or heard. If the cancer patient in your family has a great prognosis, be certain to let your child know this, and explain that some people do better with the illness than others.

If the prognosis is not good, Clark recommends delivering the news simply, factually and a little at a time. For example, she suggests saying, “Daddy’s been to the doctor and the doctor did some tests. Daddy is going to have some surgery (or another treatment) to try to make him better.” If the child asks, ‘Will Daddy die?,’ she recommends saying, ‘We hope Daddy will be here a long time. The doctors will do everything they can for him.'” If a death is impending, be truthful and say, “Daddy may die but he will always be in our hearts.” Then “be certain to reassure them that you are there for them.” Clark said. “It is very important for children to know that someone will be there to take care of them.”

It is hard when the truth is sad news. But it may help to know that in the absence of truth, children may imagine something even worse, or feel responsible themselves, or have fears about their own and your well-being that will only make things harder for them. And, if you are honest with children, they will know they can rely on you through the mourning process, too.