Don’t know much about golfin’

That’s why I got this song

One of my clubs is shorter than the other

and both of my putts too long

On a course now right along with ’em

I got no natural rhythm

But I go golfin’ every night

Hopin’ one day I might get it right

I’m a golfin’ fool,

I’m a golfin’ fool

I see that green; it looks awfully mean

But I can’t compete, ’cause I’m a

Golfin’ fool, I’m a golfin’ fool.

If you’re not a Frank Zappa fan, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about. But if you play golf, chances are, you can empathize. Golf makes a fool out of the best players some days, and I am not exactly one of the best.

I don’t even have a handicap. I don’t think the USGA’s 40.4 maximum is enough to bail me out. But I love the game. And I’m willing to try anything that might help. Except cheating, because that would be a major breach of etiquette. And frankly, even if I can’t master the game, I have to have some standards.

When it comes to gear, my standards are pretty high. After playing my first six years’ worth of golf with a starter set of Wilson clubs from Target, it was time to upgrade. For under $150 for the set and a bag, my Wilsons served me quite well. But when ShopGuy discovered Callaway Golf’s Pre-Owned and Outlet site, www.callawaypreowned.com, I was able to trade up – big time – for a small amount of money (and flat-rate shipping). And the site doesn’t just feature Callaway. All high-end clubs are fair game.

I couldn’t care less if some duffer in Palm Beach took my clubs out once before they made their way into my golf bag.

When you can score a Cleveland driver the size of a canned ham for a mere $32, why split hairs? The same could be said for my hybrid. And my pristine Cobra irons? A steal. ShopGuy ordered a King Cobra offset driver and fairway woods for me and spent less than $100 for the set. Cha-ching!

I’d be thrilled to say that the clubs have improved my game, but I’d be lying. Well, my new driver did add serious distance to my tee shot, but I make up for it in short-game ineptitude.

At least I can look smart in the Adidas golf skirt I scored at Marshalls for $19.99. You can make fun of the way golfers dress all you want, but these days, there are plenty of stylish options – from Lilly Pulitzer golf skirts to Vera Bradley golf gloves, Nike performance tops to Sun Mountain sweaters. For collared shirts, I recently popped into the Brooks Brothers Factory Store in Freeport, where I found performance knits for $17.99. Usually, I shop Old Navy for the best deals – at $8 apiece, how can you go wrong? Ditto for shorts long enough to not get you kicked off a nice course.

If you’re looking for something a little sportier, Dick’s Sporting Goods is the place to go. I like the Lady Hagen skirts and the North Face zip-neck fleeces. I also bought my shoes there on clearance, but you can also find deals at Super Shoes. Oh, and if you hit it right, Marden’s is a treasure-trove for golfers – great bags, the occasional driver, and turquoise printed pants from Ann Taylor that scream “country club!”

Last year, a friend of mine made the mistake of buying a discount pushcart at a chain retailer. Don’t do it. Hers lasted approximately two rounds before its shoddy construction drove her crazy. It’s better to spend a little more on a well-made model with inflatable wheels. I got a mid-range Bag Boy at Dick’s, but I also recommend the sturdy Sun Mountain carts (from time to time, you can find them new on eBay for a reasonable price).

Oh, and I have to admit: I got sucked in by a set of pretty clear-coat golf balls in assorted colors. They’re are all the rage right now, and they were on sale. But they didn’t do much for my game, and the blue ones are next to impossible to track. What’s next? Green balls?

So I gave them away and bought a set of Nike Karma balls. Are they pretty? Yes, in an understated way. And no guy is ever going to confuse these with his Pinnacle Gold. But the best part is, they seem to be a little more forgiving than the Slazengers and Titleists I’ve tried. Maybe it truly is Karma.

Of course, it could be all in my head. I may be totally wrong – ’cause I’m a golfin’ fool.

ShopGirl would love to hear from you! Send questions, comments or suggestions by e-mail to: kandresen@bangordailynews.net, by U.S. mail to Kristen Andresen, P.O. Box 1329, Bangor 04402-1329, or by fax to 941-9476. For exclusive online shopping tips, click on the ShopBlog icon on the bottom of the BDN homepage: www.bangordailynews.com.