Dermatologists in Bangor have been diagnosing Human Mildew in the past three weeks. Dr. William Gallagher, a local dermatologist, stated, “I’ve never seen any cases of Human Mildew before three weeks ago, when suddenly I saw two cases. Last week I had 12 cases. It is characterized by wooly growth coming out of the ears and similar wooly changes are found on the eyebrows giving the patient a werewolf-like appearance. Some of the other dermatologists think this is just a variant of swimmers ear but these cases are indeed Human Mildew and are the tip of the iceberg, so to speak.”

Human Mildew is a rare condition caused by an overgrowth of yeasts, fungi and mold. The recent relentless weather has precipitated the epidemic. Many patents exhibit depressive symptoms i.e. irritability and episodes of crying. These symptoms may be simply due to the weather alone or perhaps due to unexplained toxic effects of fungi on the brain. Dermatologists in Portland have incorrectly blamed the condition on the weatherman and not the weather – a common mistake.

The therapy is removal of the patient to a warm, sunny and dry environment. One patient found that a trip to Las Vegas cleared the lesions in a few days. The CDC and the federal gum’mit have been alerted. An anonymous source at Newsweek relates a rumor that Donald Rumsfeld has already diverted to Shannon Airport a Telford Airline plane flying from Bangor to Baghdad. Rumsfeld allegedly grumbled, “The werewolves fit the profile of terrorists. And by the way, where the devil is Bangor?”

Dr. Gallagher continued in the interview, “If we don’t get a break in the weather I am sure we will be seeing more folks in the mall looking like characters from a Stephen

King novel.”

William Gallagher, M.D., is a Bangor dermatologist. He is a member of the American Academy of Dermatology.