Those of us who observe the Legislature for a living recognize two fundamental truths. The first is that, due to the seasonal nature of their work, the long hours and low pay, Maine lawmakers, though sometimes wrong, are most times a well-meaning bunch.

The second, based upon the flow of words that gush ceaselessly from the State House, is that Maine lawmakers are crazy in love with small business. Boundless and unconditional affection for anything mom and pop, family-run or homegrown seems to be a common bond that crosses party lines and transcends political ideology.

There is a third truth, an unflattering truth. For all their selfless, small-business loving virtues, Maine lawmakers are utterly promiscuous when it comes to introducing legislation; they’ll write a bill about anything a constituent wants, no questions asked.

This makes January, for we who observe, something of a paid vacation. We reach into the ridiculously large pile of bills that opens each session, pick out one that is particularly ridiculous, ridicule it in a quick 900 words or so and call it a day. It’s almost too easy.

Of the 2,000-plus bills to be considered this session, I thought I’d hit pay dirt early on with LD 40 – “An Act to Designate the Maine Dirigo Tartan the Official State Tartan.” Tartans, as you probably know, are the distinctive plaid designs of the various Scottish clans and districts and I was looking forward to whipping out a full-blown rant on how, what with a $200-million budget shortfall and pressing needs in education, health care and such, and since this is Maine and not Scotland, the very last thing Maine lawmakers needed to be doing was wasting time discussing plaid. What next, I planned to posit – an Official State Polka Dot?

Then I recalled that just a couple of weeks ago this newspaper published a charming feature on something called the Maine State Tartan. It told the story of how this particular plaid (“light blue for the state’s skies, dark blue for its lakes and seas, dark green for its forests and a thin red line for the bloodline of the people”) had been created back in 1964 by a Nova Scotia tartan designer. How it fell out of production a year later and was forgotten about for 22 years, until 1987, when it was rediscovered by weaver Jane Holmes of Plymouth. How Mrs. Holmes copyrighted the design, registered it with the U.S. and Scottish organizations that keep track of such things, founded the Maine Tartan and Tweed Co. and, using a century-old loom in her home, produced a piece of the revived tartan that is now on display in the Blaine House.

This true cottage industry has grown, though modestly, and items made with it now are owned by former President Bush, former Gov. McKernan, former Sen. Mitchell, lots of other dignitaries and scads of just plain plaid-loving folks.

Assuming these two tartans were one and the same and wondering if the Legislature actually was considering endorsing a commercial product and whether this was a good idea, I called Mrs. Holmes. She was remarkably cheerful, especially for someone just a few days earlier found out she’s about to have her business destroyed by an act of the Legislature. The Dirigo tartan being eyed for official status is not her Maine State Tartan. It just looks like it, and even sounds like it – the legislation describes the Dirigo as “azure for the skies, royal blue for the lakes and seas, dark green for the forests and farms and red for the bloodline of the people.” Thirteen years of weaving, marketing, licensing, building product identity and creating demand and then some copyright infringing copycat comes along and cops the “official” state seal of approval.

I then call the bill’s sponsor, Sen. Norman Ferguson of Oxford County. He doesn’t want to talk about it, says something about possible “legal problems” and refers me to the St. Andrews Society of Maine, the organization that does a lot of Scottish heritage stuff and that requested the legislation.

Warren Blake, a past president of the organization, tells me the problem with Mrs. Holmes’ tartan is that it is “commercial, restricted by copyright” and so the society, which apparently takes a dim view of such legal protections for property owners, commissioned another weaver to design the Dirigo tartan, which, apparently by sheer coincidence, happened to turn out in two shades of blue, dark green and a thin red stripe. No infringement problem, says Mr. Blake, because “you can’t copyright colors.”

It occurs to me that you can, however, copyright the arrangement of colors, as the copyright granted Mrs. Holmes by the U.S. Patent Office proves. It also occurs to me that enormous infringement awards have been handed out in cases much less blatant thievery and that any self-respecting jury will laugh out loud if told the “bloodline of the people” gag is coincidence.

Making this truly bad bill even worse is that it has lots of co-sponsors: Sens. Joel Abromson, Paul Davis, Jill Goldthwait, Tom Sawyer, Edward Youngblood; Reps. Shirley Richard, Irvin Belanger, Rosita Gagne, Arlan Jodrey. Curious as to why nine lawmakers would lend support to a bill that is at once unnecessary, thoughtless and unfair, I call a couple. I’m particularly glad that Sen. Sawyer calls me back – he’s big into all things Scottish and wears a lot of tartan-based clothing.

In fact, he says, he has a full Maine State Tartan outfit, including kilt, which he wears at the Highland Games in Brunswick every summer. His explanation essentially is a synopsis of the unfortunate things that happen when well-meaning lawmakers put their names on anything a constituent shoves their way: He says wants Jane Holmes to succeed but says the St. Andrews Society probably knows best when it comes to the question of whether there should be an official state tartan; he suggests the two tartans may be different enough that there may not be an infringement problem; he figures the Legislature won’t pass the bill if there is. Plus, he reminds me, he’s very fond of small business. But, then, who isn’t?

Bruce Kyle is the assistant editorial page editor for the Bangor Daily News.