My daughter is in first grade and is a cheerleader for the elementary school basketball team in Brooks.

“Chris,” you ask. “People can be cheerleaders in the first grade? And does Brooks have indoor plumbing?”

Yes to both. Although it is hard to wrap my mind around the idea that my girl is, with yelling and pompoms, motivating young boys to play basketball at its highest level when I still can’t convince her to clean her own room.

Maybe I need a cheer:

“If you don’t want Daddy, to ground you from TV. Just pick up all your toys and clothes and happy he will be!”

The girls practice hard under the instruction of my wife. She won the job as cheerleading coach by showing up to drop my daughter off at the first practice and discovering there was no instructor.

Her acceptance speech went something like, “Well, I guess I’ll have to do it.”

The girls do their best to face the audience with aggressive scowls and taunting chants. They don’t seem irritated that everybody in the bleachers just stares back at them with wide smiles, poking each other on the shoulder and saying, “Isn’t that adorable?”

I like to annoy my daughter. I figure if you’re good at something, you might as well do it. I make up stupid cheers and perform them at random times around the house. At the end, I always stand with my legs spread wide and my arms extended diagonally from my head and yell, “Go Tigers!”

A typical cheer might go like:

“We are going to beat your team, oh, yeah, we’ll beat your team. You will not believe how bad we’re going to beat your team. Go Tigers!”

She hates it. The way I figure, she will eventually go through a stage where she is profoundly embarrassed by her parents. I might as well earn it.

The cheering is paying big dividends. The basketball team she supports is in second place in the standings. They are the Brooks Village Grocery Tigers They’re very talented.

Who can stop Brooks Village Grocery?

Well, the short answer is Troy General Store, but only Troy General Store. That team handed us our only loss. Troy General may have the better basketball team, but BVG sometimes has bags of boneless skinless chicken breast for 99 cents a pound. With those prices, I don’t care how good your team is.

For all of their accomplishments, did Michael Jordan and the 1996 Chicago Bulls ever offer a meat discount quite like that?

I rest my case.

The Brooks Village Grocery team and its competitors actually play a lot like the NBA, except the players are two feet shorter, they can’t throw the ball farther than 20 feet, and their mothers still cut their steak. Other than that, it’s basically the same.

There’s that kid with the short, dark hair who drives well to the hoop. Then there’s the taller kid who lives down the road apiece. He may or may not be a cousin to the very short child with a bowl cut who is very cute and runs fast.

I know it must be hard to coach a team like Brooks Village Grocery. What do you do at the end of a game when you’re down by two points? Do you put the dark-haired kid in to throw up a jumper, or do you insert the stocky kid with the crew cut to hopefully get fouled by that girl with the ponytails and the flushed, red face?

I’m thankful I don’t have to make those decisions. I’m quite content just watching my wife support the cheerleaders who support the basketball players who are also supported by Brooks Village Grocery.

“I am here to tell you all the Tigers can’t be beat. And Brooks Village Grocery gives big discounts on their meat! Go Tigers!”

Chris Quimby is a computer information specialist at the Bangor Daily News and is also a standup comedian and humor columnist from Brooks. His Web site is: www.chrisquimby.com.