Since 1985, Maine people have suffered the loss of family, friends and neighbors in about 12 domestic homicides each year. Just four months into 2008, there were already 11 domestic homicides: four women, four men and three children. The perpetrators were nearly all young, white men, ages 19-25.

Murder is very wrong. And yet, coverage of domestic homicides consistently draws a picture of the victims having somehow brought this upon themselves, while the perpetrators were jealous, angry, stressed or temporarily unable to understand the consequences and wrongfulness of their actions. News reports say that the victims made poor choices, had relationships with other people, failed to call the police or awkwardly broke off relationships with the men who murdered them.

Reports about men who commit domestic homicide frequently provide excuses for them, and we hear what good people they were to their friends and family and what a great shock their behavior was to those who knew them.

The idea that people can shoot each other if they feel justified is fed by every article that describes a domestic violence homicide as an act of “jealous rage.” When we read that Eric Niles found his former girlfriend in a bedroom with a man, it constructs a scene in readers’ minds that shapes how we interpret the killing, kidnapping and suicide that followed. That Richard Widdecomb went to his former partner’s home where she was in the company of a male friend shapes how we interpret his murderous actions. Intimacy and commitment are privileges of healthy companionship, and neither party has the right to compel the other to continue their affection or participation in the relationship. While it may be painful to be rejected, it is not grounds for capital punishment.

We live in a culture that glamorizes violence in pursuit of interpersonal dominance, informed by violent video games, television “reality” shows, and a national political agenda that exploits the fear of terrorism. Young men and women are growing up in a time of aggressive assertion of power, choosing sides and taking extreme measures.

The same day that Page 1 of the BDN reported David Archer had been arrested for stabbing his former girlfriend, Page 3 included a brief story about the pending release of the much anticipated video game “Grand Theft Auto IV.” People who play this game, the article stated, “will face choices, experience seaminess and have access to 15 different weapons, from a simple brick to a military-grade rocket” (BDN, April 28). For David Archer, it was a knife.

We must come together as a community to address this rising crisis of violence. If you know someone who you suspect is being abused, reach out to them. Encourage them to call Spruce Run or their local domestic violence project through the statewide hot line number, 866-834-HELP. We can help sort out their options, create a safety plan, offer emotional support, legal information and advocacy, shelter and support groups to connect with other people who have had similar experiences.

If you witness an assault, hear a threat of violence, or are concerned that someone is a danger to themselves or others, don’t hesitate to call your local police department. If your friend or family member exhibits abusive, controlling or violent behavior, encourage them to stop, seek help and attend a batterer intervention program. Do what you can to prevent access to weapons of any kind. Sympathize with painful feelings, but provide no support for violent ideas, threats or coercion.

Most of us live nonviolently, though nearly all of us suffer hurt, rejection and personal tragedy. Some suffer quietly and alone; some have fallen into an addiction; some have been wounded by war at home or wars abroad; some use their pain as an excuse to do unspeakable harm. In all cases, our community challenge is to stop the violence, eliminate the justifications, ensure accountability for behavior, and provide appropriate monitoring, mentoring, support and treatment.

Francine Stark is the training

coordinator for Spruce Run Association in Bangor.