Three members of the Republic of Texas (the separatist group that remembers the Alamo but is otherwise pretty much in the dark) have been charged with plotting to assassinate President Clinton. Here’s how: Modify a disposable cigarette lighter to expel air instead of propane; glue a piece of hypodermic needle in the opening; insert within a cactus needle coated with the deadly anthrax virus; plant it in the Oval Office, sit back and wait for the president to take up smoking. With such a cunning plan, Wile E. Coyote must be an unindicted co-conspirator.

Speaking of best laid schemes and ganging aft a-gley, First Lady Hillary Clinton is touring the nation’s historic sites drumming up support for her new pet project — the restoration of the original Star Spangled Banner, the American flag that survived the British bombardment of Fort McHenry in 1814 and inspired Francis Scott Key to pen our national anthem. The price tag — an estimated $13 million — seems a bit steep to rework some old stitchery, but it does include the cost of building the time machine needed to keep that appointment with Betsy Ross.

Old Orchard Beach Town Manager Norman Marquis swears he was misquoted when a Toronto newspaper said he described his seaside tourist attraction as tacky. He actually called OOB a tachyon (you know, the theoretical subatomic particle that travels faster than the speed of light) to emphasize its dynamism. Or maybe he said taco, something spicy and fiesta-like. Anyway, something sure got lost in the translation.

Quite a sight, that stately old Victorian house yanked off its Lubec foundation and hauled via barge down to Stonington. Perhaps that’s the solution to the economic plight of Washington County — just pack the whole shebang up and move it south.

Kentucky clergy are split over a new state law including them in the category of persons allowed to carry concealed weapons in the workplace. Some say packing heat in the pulpit is a matter of equal rights, giving them the same protection afforded to judges and legislators. Others are aghast. “Jesus would puke,” says the Rev. Nancy Jo Kemper, executive director of the Kentucky Council of Churches. He’d at least think twice about getting rowdy in the temple.

A new report suggests that several rogue nations already may have the missile technology to attack this nation with nuclear weapons. North Korea, for example, possibly has rockets able to reach as far as Wisconsin. Everyone in official Washington — the White House, Congress, the Pentagon — is alarmed. Everyone except Rep. Dick Gephardt. “We should not rush to judgment,” advises the calm, cool Missouri Democrat and likely presidential contender. Apparently, he’s not counting on too many votes in Milwaukee.