A few days ago it came to my attention that the University of Maine Faculty Senate (I won’t tell you what we used to call this institution during my rough and rocky 10-year career as a college student) has decided to mount an investigation into … gulp … corporate sponsorship of UMaine events.

Now, as investigations go, this one won’t send offending parties running to their paper shredders. Faculty senators are, all kidding, snooty airs, and tweed aside, a bunch of guys and gals who really care about UMaine. Honest.

But, since I’m always the helpful, considerate type, I’ve decided to save a few steps for everyone. Scrap the witch hunt. I’ve been to a few Brewer City Council meetings in my days, seen Larry Doughty and the gang go at it, and I understand how these things work. I speak the language. And I’ve got a mighty fine official statement all typed up.

Welcome to the land of Whereas, Therefore, and Be It Resolved – the Official UM Faculty Senate Response to Dastardly Corporate Sponsorship:

Whereas, There has been a noticeable (and annoying) increase in billboards, written, verbal, and otherwise, at UMaine athletic events; and

Whereas, We all want to tell the offending announcers to shut up and let us eat our hot dogs and watch the latest little Kariya guy in peace, darn it; and

Whereas, All the billboards get in the way of our enjoyment of the games, even if the Black Bears are pounding the dogsnot out of the Boston University Terriers; and

Whereas, We’re mad as hell and we don’t want to take it any more; BUT

Whereas, How much money are we talking about? $354,000?; and

Whereas, Really? $354,000? That’s a lot of dang Bunsen burners … and slide rules … and surveying thingamajigs; and

Wherethehell, Are we gonna get the dough for the essentials if we’ve gotta give sports another 354,000 bucks? and

Whereas, Even though we faculty members have been told that we have to put up with UMaine sports, even if we can’t get moved to the top of the list for hockey season tickets; and

Whereas, The campus didn’t **really** burn down when those crazed students went hog-wild nuts last April after the Bears won the national championship; and

Whereas, The school isn’t actually selling ad space to Diva’s and 1-900-cute-college-girls and www.deadbeatdads.com; and

Whereas, We can live with ads for cell phones and ice and oil and the like, even if they interrupt our hot dogs and make it so we can’t concentrate on that speedy little Kariya guy; and

Whereas, Do we have to keep this one? Really? OK. The athletic department of the school is an arm … do we have to say arm? Can’t we say toe? OK. OK. An arm of the institution as a whole. Is that enough? Good; and

Whereas, We really, really need a few more of those Bunsen burners and slide rules and surveying thingamajigs;

Now, Therefore, Be It Ordered and Resolved, That we, the members of the faculty senate, deign to come down from our respective ivory towers, march across the mall to Memorial Gym (ignoring the smell of … yuck … sweat) and offer athletic director Sue Tyler and Assistant Athletic Director for Marketing and Promotions (heretofore to be known as Head Money-Maker) Scott Lowenberg our sincere apologies; and

Our most sincere thanks. For the Bunsen burners. And the slide rules. And the thingamajigs.

John Holyoke is a NEWS sportswriter.