How many “perfect” things do you have in your life? We are talking possessions, here. No relationships, please.

The September issue of Men’s Journal Magazine has gone out and found 95 “perfect things” that you simply must have if you are going to be cool in this new century. I can never figure out who Men’s Journal is trying to reach, either those rare adventurers who actually climb Everest, trek across Nepal or skin-dive among great white sharks, or the rest of us who just sit on the couch and dream about such activities.

I mean, a Black Diamond Avalung II breathing device for those trapped in an avalanche, for a mere $100? Has anyone you know ever seen an avalanche, let alone been trapped in one? I will pass on that one.

Another “perfect” item is a $700 tent, a Bibler Ahwahnee 2 described as a “five-pound, four-season tent rated for alpine storms.” The next time I plan to sleep out in the Alps, I will give Bibler a call. I will also need that $3,800 Rolex Explorer II watch based on the timepiece that climbed Everest in 1953. The ad says “when you want to go to the ends of the world and if your life depends on your watch,” this is what you need. My plans for the future are murky at best, but I don’t visualize a time when my life will depend on a watch.

The next time I take a bike ride (probably next June) I will consider the $3,150 Litespeed Ghisallo bike, rated as the lightest production model available, all titanium weighing only 1.98 pounds. (That has to be a misprint.) The Litespeed was the bike of choice for the Belgium team in the Tour de France but did not help them in their quest to come home before Lance Armstrong. For that bike ride, I will also consider the $225 Oakley magnesium sunglasses, which I will break in record time.

As soon as I win the lottery, I will run right out to get that “perfect” Harley-Davidson V-Rod, only $16,995, with a new engine fine-tuned by the Porsche people to eliminate some of that traditional Harley bone-weakening vibration.

With those lottery winnings, I will buy an Onkyo TX DS989 “future proof” receiver with seven channels of 130 watts each for $3,500 and naturally, the B and W Nautilus 800 speakers for only $8,000. For eight grand you get “woven Kevlar midrange and aluminum tweeters,” whatever they are. To fill out the media room, I will add the “perfect” $17,500 Pioneer Elite Pro 1000 high definition television with a 50-inch plasma screen. (I may never leave the house.)

The magazine commits an unforgivable sin by bypassing L. L. Bean boots in favor of the Limmer Standard boots from neighboring New Hampshire. These 4.5 pound monsters (more than twice as heavy as that the Ghisallo bike) cost $315 off the rack and $545 for a custom job (long line waiting, I hear). Imagine the first time you spill pizza on $545 boots.

The gang at Men’s Journal recovers slightly by recommending the “perfect” L. L. Bean Classic toboggan, $100, although it is built in Canada.

You didn’t need a $3.95 magazine to tell you of the perfection of Nike Air Pegasus ($80), or the Swiss Army Craftsman knife ($60), the Stanley graphite hammer ($24), the Sears Craftsman seven-piece ratchet wrench set ($100) or the Bose headphones ($150)

But you might not have heard about the North Face Base Camp waterproof duffel bag-backpack for $120 or the MPI space blanket developed by NASA which reflects 80 percent of body heat for only $12. And what about the Starrett DI-25 digital tape measure for only $42? That’s a very good idea for those of us who cannot read those eighth-of-an-inch markers any more.

For those stay-at-homers, conservationist Mike Fay tells us in Men’s Journal that he hiked the African Megatransect (that’s what he said) for 467 days with only three items of apparel, Teva shoes, Patagonia shorts and a Patagonia raincoat.

That’s a hint for the next time you plan a “perfect” 467-day hike.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.