When I rang up Secretary of State Dan Gwadosky’s office to determine how many types of vehicle license plates his department has in its inventory, I figured the answer would be perhaps a baker’s dozen or so. Twenty-something, tops. Certainly not the mind-boggling 67 that Rebecca Wyke, Gwadosky’s chief deputy, came up with after researching the matter.

It turns out that beyond our standard-issue chickadee plate (and a damn fine plate it is, too), we have multiple versions of auto dealer plates, commercial vehicle plates, state vehicle plates and plates for every mode of conveyance from motorcycles to trailers to antique autos. In addition to such drab workaday plates, we’ve got our fancy high-profile special loony plates for the conservation crowd, and plates promoting the University of Maine System. Unique plates for firefighters. The National Guard. Law enforcement. Legislators. The handicapped. A generic veterans’ plate and its slew of military cousins: Plates for Pearl Harbor survivors, the Purple Heart guys, former prisoners of war, Medal of Honor winners. And so on, and so forth. You name it, and if we don’t have it, it may be only a matter of time before we do.

For the record, Maine is not alone in the proliferating special plate madness. Few states have leaders bold enough to decree that one plate shall fit all, take it or leave it.

But still. Sixty-seven varieties, for God’s sake. And we may not be done yet. If bills to be heard at Augusta Monday before the legislative Transportation Committee win approval you can add another eight special plates to the inventory, making the number a good, fat easy-to-remember 75. Think of a special-interest group and chances are good they have either tried in the past to get a special license plate, or will have a go at it on Monday in hearings beginning at 9 a.m. in Room 126 of the State House.

When committee chairman, Sen. Christine Savage, R-Union, surveys the mob and gavels it to order I can picture her turning to her House counterpart, Rep. Charles Fisher, D-Brewer, and in her best Laurel and Hardy routine (talk about your dated references) muttering, “What a fine mess you’ve gotten us into this time, Ollie …”

Lined up and waiting to make their cases for special license plates will be registered Maine guides, Maine Indians, the lobster industry, the education people, Maine Black Bear scholarship boosters, nature lovers apparently not all that thrilled with the loon plates, the modified show vehicle contingent, and everyone’s favorite endangered species – the native Mainer. About all that will be missing will be the left-handed Lithuanian lobby, and it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that they are drafting an emergency bill even as we speak.

To no one’s surprise, the Maine State Police are not great fans of specialty plates. It’s difficult enough for officers – as well as motorists who spot crimes involving motor vehicles – to keep track of numbers, without having to remember the type of plate, too, says state police spokesman Steve McCausland. Translation: Police need another special license plate like Hampden’s main drag needs another pothole.

If you’re looking to fix blame for this sorry state of affairs, I suppose you could look to the loon-inspired visionaries who came up with the brilliant idea of raising funds for Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife conservation projects through sales of a special plate immortalizing our fine-feathered, web-footed friend.

Today, some 92,000 of the eye-catching loon plates are operative, producing about $1.3 million per year for the conservation cause, Wyke said. About 6,200 University of Maine System plates bring in roughly $92,000 for the university.

Now everyone wants a piece of the action. But the pie is only so big. There are only so many vehicles to be registered in a given year, and the vast majority of those will bear the standard chickadee plate. And so the Legislature must determine which special interest groups are likely to make good on their promises to turn a profit through the sale of special plates and which are apt to bomb, sticking the state’s Highway Fund with the bill for unrecovered startup costs.

Special decals for plates, rather than special plates, may be the Legislature’s way out of the minefield. L.D. 1683, which deals with such a proposal, will be heard by the Transportation Committee on Wednesday. Meanwhile, for Mainers to whom a license plate is just a license plate, the chickadee version is more than adequate, thank you very much. Paying the state an extra 20 bucks, plus $15 a year thereafter just to make a political statement while driving the cops nuts may not be un-American, and may even make a person feel swell. But, thrift-wise, it certainly seems un-Yankee-like.

NEWS columnist Kent Ward lives in Winterport. His e-mail address is olddawg@bangordailynews.net.