In theaters

COLD CREEK MANOR, Directed by Mike Figgis, written by Richard Jefferies, 118 minutes, rated R.

Tucked in the middle of the new suspense thriller “Cold Creek Manor” is a line that neatly sums up the experience of watching the film: “I’m sorry, Cooper, but I’m having trouble relating to any of this.”

Others might, too.

It’s actress Sharon Stone who delivers those words, and you know what? The one nugget of truth nestled in her strained, wooden performance is that Stone isn’t joking. She really isn’t relating to any of this – neither is her character – but then, how could either of them without first being under the influence of some mind-altering drugs?

The movie, which Mike Figgis directed from a screenplay by Richard Jefferies, hails from Red Mullet Productions. That’s easy to believe, especially since the movie is about a deranged hillbilly with an auburn mullet who leaves prison to cause all sorts of problems at his family’s old manor house, which he lost to the bank and is now owned by some of the dumbest city slickers ever to hail from Manhattan.

The hillbilly, Dale Massie, is played by Stephen Dorff with the sort of crazy-eyed intensity that suggests his prey, the unbearably naive Tilsons – Cooper (Dennis Quaid) and Leah (Stone), and their two children, Kristen (Kristen Stewart) and Jesse (Ryan Wilson) – will soon become part of his own private gumbo called the Devil’s Throat.

That’s right – the Devil’s Throat. Just what that is won’t be revealed here, but rest assured that it’s every bit as thick and unpleasant as it sounds, not to mention just silly enough to be worthy of a few snorts and giggles.

In fact, “Cold Creek Manor” probably works best as a comedy. For instance, the scene in which the Tilsons’ home is overcome with venomous snakes is a hoot, a stunning achievement of debauchery, as is Juliette Lewis’ over-the-top performance as Ruby, the local slut with a drinking problem who decorates Dale’s arm like a nasty case of shingles. Her hair-pulling, slap-and-push fight with Stone is a highlight among the lowlights.

About those Tilsons. Exactly who are they, anyway? A quick answer might be that they’re a movie family, a bundle of stereotypes and cliches crafted with the sole intention of fueling the lame twists and turns in Jefferies’ script. None of them ever thinks or shows the ability to reason; they just react and react and react – and scream. Echoes of “Deliverance,” “Straw Dogs” and “Cape Fear” pull at the movie’s periphery, but the script consistently shoots back to make mincemeat out of all of it.

Marketed as a haunted house movie, which it isn’t, the film deceives us by instead offering up a camp spectacle. It’s such a misfire, it’s one of those bad movies that will take its stars two good movies to recover from. Indeed, for all the utter lack of suspense and thrills “Cold Creek Manor” kicks up, a better title might have been “Cold Water Flat.”

Grade: D

On video and DVD

HOLES, Directed by Andrew Davis, written by Louis Sachar, based on his novel, 117 minutes, rated PG.

Imagine directing a movie called “Holes” and realizing that if you didn’t dig deep enough, your movie would be a shallow, inconsequential pit. If the irony didn’t kill you, critics and audiences would.

It’s just that situation director Andrew Davis faced when he signed on to adapt Louis Sachar’s popular 1998 novel, “Holes,” for the big screen.

Considered a modern-day classic by some, the book not only has a built-in audience of millions but also has won its share of critical success, such as the National Book Award and the prestigious Newbery Medal – honors that might intimidate even the most confident of directors.

Still, taking a cue from Chris Columbus, who directed the Harry Potter films, Davis nevertheless rose to the challenge, working from Sachar’s own screenplay to come through with a winning adaptation that explores issues of race, injustice, tolerance and love without talking down to its intended audience of young people.

Big on plot and just as big on character, “Holes” is the rare movie that respects its audience, young and old, which is a surprise since it comes from Davis, whose “Collateral Damage” and “Chain Reaction” did neither.

The acting is especially strong, particularly from Shia LeBeouf as Stanley Yelnats, a beleaguered, bad-luck Texas teen doing hard time at a prison camp for boys after allegedly stealing a pair of sneakers; Jon Voight as Mr. Sir, who has the sort of boozy, menacing leer that suggests his liver is harboring a nest of tequila worms; and Sigourney Weaver as the vicious Warden, who manages to be sexy and repellent with the mere flip of her unruly hair.

Complex and dark, its several storylines crisscrossing each other with the speed of one of Mr. Sir’s bullets. “Holes” is sometimes too dense for its own good and its ending is especially pat, but those are minor quibbles in a movie that does so many things right, it goes a long way in restoring faith in the Hollywood machine that created it.

Grade: B+

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays and Fridays in Style, Thursdays on WLBZ 2 and WCSH 6, and are archived on RottenTomatoes.com. He can be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.