The other day I got a sample in the mail for disposable dish-washing wipes. Pre-treated with soap – all you have to do is use ’em and chuck ’em. No time wasted in applying the soap yourself or washing the dish cloth when it begins to smell. This is really a very fine invention – that is if you don’t care at all about landfills and ozone and groundwater. We now have disposable cameras, soup in an on-the-go can, throwaway Tupperware, one-use baby bibs and the like. I look around incredulously at the amount of insight we have into the dire state of our ecosystem and what a disposable, time-conscious society we still are.

As the conservatives continue on the rampage to “preserve the family” I continue to wonder how our priorities got so critically misplaced. Have we forgotten about love? Why are people so worried about two women or two men loving each other and wanting some legal protections when the entire society in general appears to be too busy to actually have time for a happy, morally sound, lets-eat-dinner-without-the-TV-on nuclear family?

Gay people having families and rights is not nearly as threatening to the family unit as products and lifestyles that have been tailored to expedite life so that we can cram everything into one 24-hour period. There are hundreds of ads for antacids to help cool the burn of internal stress, sleep aids to bring relaxation after running a marathon of tasks all day, and disposable products to ease the burden of everyday chores. How is gay marriage a bigger threat to society than this intensifying “rat race” and cram-it-all-in lifestyle?

Shouldn’t we be asking ourselves how to restore a more peaceful and harmonious existence in our families, regardless of the gender of the members? Perhaps the biggest hypocrisy is the president’s campaign to spend millions promoting marriage as the bedrock of familial solidarity while attempting to amend the Constitution to deny marriage to gay couples. If the family is as important as so many people believe, then why shouldn’t the children of gay parents be afforded this same stable framework?

Perhaps the biggest reason gay people are denied the right to marry is because, at least the way our society likes to believe, marriage is a sacred, spiritual contract and should not be bestowed among “unnatural” or “sinful” same-sex unions. How sacred is this marriage contract if it can be reversed (in divorce), we can pretend it never happened (in annulment) and partners can be unfaithful with little consequence (no-fault divorces)? Just turn on prime-time TV to be entertained by “Joe Millionaire” or the “Average Joe” where people manipulate love for money with an engagement as the finale. The answer: The spiritual aspect of partnership is a private and personal philosophy. No government can institute the moral values of a union between two people.

Welcome to the separation of church and state we have so profoundly forgotten. If the government had the ability to enforce moral sanctions on marriage (of course apart from denying it to same-sex couples) how would it be possible for people to have “open” marriages, marry for financial or immigration benefits, or get married and divorced three, four or five times? The government’s role in marriage is simply to formalize a civil contract – a legal agreement between two people that bestows both rights and responsibilities.

So I pose the question, what’s love got to do with it?

Love has everything and nothing to do with it. Love is what unifies relationships and makes us fight for the right to marry. However, love has never been a factor in how the government permits two people to marry. There is no assessment of how much two people love each other when they apply for a marriage license. The government has no jurisdiction on love.

Most gays and lesbians I know aren’t looking for the government’s moral blessing of their love. They are looking for one thing: rights. The right to be recognized as a couple, as a family, the right to Social Security benefits and immigration protection, the right to joint tax returns and second-parent adoptions, the right to legal protection in the event of a break-up, a disability or even death. We deserve the right to live freely and openly in this country where we are taxpaying citizens just like everyone else.

There is one thing that is more evident now then ever: Families are self-chosen circles within which we share our love, our hope, our struggles, our life. Alternative families abound with step-parents, step-siblings, half-siblings, nonbiological aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. No matter what rhetoric conservatives throw our way about the reason for the decline of the family unit, it is clear the “family” is intact, it sometimes looks a little different than it used to. Gay marriage will only strengthen and solidify familial ties by protecting partners and any children they may have.

I used the disposable dish cloth and as promised it lasted for one set of dishes. In a time when people are so keen on one-time use, shouldn’t we grant marriage licenses to any couple, gay or straight, with a pat on the back and a “good for you” for choosing longevity and commitment? In this age of disposability shouldn’t we relish any loving union that exists?

Suzanne Hara is a resident of Hampden and is self-employed.